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The Aaron Hernandez File: Guns, Twitter, Ugly T-Shirts and Google

WordPress does a really good job of letting me know how people find my site.  Reviewing the “Search Engine Terms” section of my analytics page is one of the highlights of my day.

Over the past few days I have experienced an inordinate amount of Search Engine Traffic thanks in no small part to Aaron Hernandez.  In the last week the following search terms represent the 10 most common ways folks have found my site through search engines:

  • aaron hernandez twitter
  • why did aaron hernandez kill
  • did aaron hernandez kill
  • aaron hernandex tim tebow
  • aaron hernandez net worth
  • who did aaron hernandez kill
  • oldin lloyd
  • aaron hernandez
  • did aaron hernandez kill that guy
  • why did aaron hernandez kill that guy

In total 202 different search terms and over 800 searches with the word “Hernandez” dropped folks off at my site.  (Side note: my favorite term leading to my site during the last week was “2013 gamecock foot team good.”  Keep crushing the smooth Google searches South Carolina fans!)

So, obviously I am some type of expert.  If you’re joining my “coverage” (and I use that term loosely) here is a recap of my writing on Hernandez:

  • Last Thursday I broached the possibility of Aaron Hernandez being a murderer.  I was confident in his guilt saying, “Aaron Hernandez definitely killed a man.  Probably.”  More importantly, I explored Tim Tebow’s involvement in the murder and drew some conclusions that I have not seen elsewhere.
  • On Friday I asserted that Aaron Hernandez’s odd Twitter stream offered insight into his need to kill.  In short: he killed out of boredom.
  • Lastly, yesterday I wrote the Pretty Little Liars/Aaron Hernandez column that I was born to write.  You’re welcome.
Coogi until proven innocent.

Coogi until proven innocent.

That’s all I got/


Jarvis Jones’ Greatest Accomplishment

Last night Jarvis Jones Instagram’d what very well might be his greatest accomplishment.

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.


Now, we’ve seen Jarvis Jones do some pretty impressive things over his lifetime., but having his own special at Waffle House might be the single most astonishing feat.  If nothing else, it is now*** the most awesome thing I’ve seen happen at a Waffle House…I think.


***The Previous “Most Awesome Thing I’ve Seen at a Waffle House”:

A groggy DudeYouCrazy somehow cons WifeYouCrazy into going to Waffle House with him on a Saturday morning.  He is unshowered, unkempt and generally unbridled.  In other words, he is feeling Waffle House-y.  They walk in, find a seat at a greased up table and await service.  WifeYouCrazy studies the menu…hard.  DudeYouCrazy doesn’t need to look.  A waitress who does not look dissimilar to Donovan McNabb’s Mother approaches the table.  Without looking up from her pad the McNabb-wannabe asks for Dude and Wife’s orders.  WifeYouCrazy stumbles through her choices but ultimately survives.  DudeYouCrazy does not falter when he proclaims, “Black Coffee and a water. All-Star Special, eggs over easy, white toast hold the jam, bacon with extra bacon, double hash browns double covered.”

The waitress slowly peers over her yellow pad with a gaze somewhere between “in awe” and “smitten.”  DudeYouCrazy waits for the response he gets from all waitresses: You gonna eat all that?  He gets no such response.  In stead he hears, “You.  You have.  This is going to sound weird.  But you have just the face of a…starrrr.  Y’know what I mean?”

DudeYouCrazy removes an eye-booger and calmly responds the only way he knows how: Oh I know, ma’am.

WifeYouCrazy hangs her head in feigned embarrassment knowing she will never hear the end of that exchange.


That’s all I got/


Fans Really Seem to Like Alec Ogletree…NOT!

Pro Football Talk recently published an article featuring the following quotation from Alec Ogletree:

I’m very confident in my ability to basically tackle somebody, run ’em down.  I feel like when I’m between the lines, nobody’s faster than me.”

I think it’s obvious here that ‘Tree is saying, “I feel good about getting out, running and tackling folks.  My speed helps me do that.” and not necessarily, “I am literally the fastest man on the planet when I’m between the lines on the football field.  Usain Bolt can’t outrun me, nobody can.  Literally nobody.”

But NFL fans are uppity.  They like to pick a kid apart when he speaks with the same generalities as the rest of the world.  So, I’m going to do some picking apart of my own.

“Shinbone” was the first one to get on board and offered the following rebuttal to Ogeltree:

ok [sic] Alec, now go worm [sic]  up with the practice squad, if memory serve’s [sic] me wasn’t Eddie Lacy running away from you in the 1st quarter of the SEC Championship game? 41 yard TD run ring a bell?

Oh, Shinbone.  Memory doesn’t serve you.  Not at all. Neither team scored a touchdown in the first quarter.  Lacy scored on a long touchdown run in the second quarter.  On that play Eddie technically ran away from Ogletree, but remember even if taken literally Ogletree said “Nobody’s faster than me.”  There is nothing to implicate that Lacy was faster than Ogletree in this play, Ogletree was blocked out of action.  See the photos below.

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.

This is hardly a foot race.  Alec Ogletree is so covered up with a block that he’s practically non-existent.  Does that mean he’s faster than Lacy?  No.  But it certainly doesn’t mean that he’s slower.  And it certainly doesn’t mean that Lacy “ran away from him” in a literal sense.  Lacy had a clear path, ‘Tree did not.

Click to enlarge.

Click to enlarge.

In this photo one of two things is happening to Alec Ogletree.  Either 1. he’s breaking out of a block and for no apparent reason doing a dramatic shoulder-dip dance move with his left shoulder, or 2. he’s being held as he tries to break a block and continue pursuit.  Either way, Eddie Lacy is free of contact and sprinting through open field.  How can you definitively say that Ogletree is not faster than Lacy.

This play seems to indicate Ogletree as more than sufficient in the speed department…

Later, “kev86” gets in on the action saying:

So he doesn’t know what he is doing and will just run after the guy with the ball?

So kev86 doesn’t know what he is doing and he will just change verb tenses in the middle of a sentence?  If Ogletree doesn’t know what he’s doing then he just runs after the guy with the ball.  Or, if Ogletree won’t know what he’s doing he will just run after the guy with the ball.

Finally (at least for review purposes) I present “gadzod”:

That’s just the Alcohol talking.  When you use it, things do seem to slow down on you…..

How do you know how things are when use alcohol.  Oh…you were using a general “you” there.  That must have been the Alcohol (capitalized) talking.

Good luck Alec.  You do you, man.  You do you.

That’s all I got/


Athletes are Craaazy: Super Bowl / No Homo Edition

This is the first post in what I’m sure will be a series examining the ridiculous things that the world’s best athletes do (or say) when they’re not competing. 


I have a love/hate relationship with anyone who claims to be a “consultant.”  I’m sure at some point those folks do add value, although it might not be financial value, or else they would be out of the job.  But more often than not – at least in my experience – consultants are more encouragers than experts and more knowledgeable than actually connected.

That being said, someday I’d love to be a consultant.  I’d love to know (or at least know of) enough entities that my connections alone could demand a high retainer fee.  I like people and I like business and nothing sounds more fulfilling than listening to what someone does, taking notes, thinking about it for three or four weeks, offering them a few things to work on and then insisting that they keep working on those things for a couple years while they keep writing me checks.

You might think I’m being snarky and you’d be correct, but seriously, I’d love to be a consultant.  Being a consultant is on my bucket list.  And today, I’m actually going to assert that one breed of consultant – the sports media/public relations consultant – is drastically underpaid.

On Tuesday, an athlete, San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver, was asked if any of his teammates were homosexuals.  (Dude’s note: I’m going to ask you to “move past” a number of things in this article, the first of which is the utter ridiculousness of that question.)  Here is Culliver’s response:

I don’t do the gay guys man.  I don’t do that.  No, we don’t got no gay people on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they do.  Can’t be with that sweet stuff.  Nah…can’t be…in the locker room man.  Nah.

There is a hip-hop term that is quite popular (actually, if I know about it then it’s probably not popular any more) and used to clarify that a person or statement is not gay despite evidence that might be portrayed as to the contrary.  That phrase is “no homo.”  I might tell a co-worker that I like his shoes, and then clarify by saying, “no homo.” I should probably put “no homo” after every single recruiting piece that I write.

Chris Culliver offered up a historically thorough and yet barely literate “no homo” when asked about gay teammates.  Now if you can get past three more things: the statistics that say Culliver probably has played with a homosexual teammate, the fact that he lives in the most alternative-lifestyle-friendly city in the country and finally the double negatives (“We don’t got no gay people” actually implies that the 49ers do have gay people, although that is clearly not Culliver’s sentiment), you can get to the real meat of why athletes are craaazy.  And, for what it’s worth I’m going to skip over the fact that Culliver appears to be referring to homosexuality the way most people refer to dessert (calling it “sweet stuff”).

Chris Culliver remembers when, he remembers, he remembers when he lost his miiiiiiind.

You can learn one very clear thing about this athlete in particular by reading his statement:  when faced with a question (albeit an inappropriate one) Culliver offered up an answer that was terribly worded, grammatically disastrous and probably offensive to many citizens of his home town.  You can therefore deduce that a sports media/public relations consultant is a necessary commodity for the San Francisco 49ers.

That very sports media/public relations consultant sprang to action yesterday afternoon.  How do I know?  Because someone with a clearly worded and logical voice claimed to be Chris Culliver last night and offered the following statement (the real “sweet stuff”):

The derogatory comments I made yesterday were a reflection of thoughts in my head, but they are not how I feel,” Culliver said in a statement released by the team. “It has taken me seeing them in print to realize that they are hurtful and ugly. Those discriminating feelings are truly not in my heart. Further, I apologize to those who I have hurt and offended, and I pledge to learn and grow from this experience.

Chris Culliver, the “no homo” guy, didn’t write those words.  I’m not completely sure that he could even read those words.  A consultant crafted that apology.  A consultant turned a string of fractured thoughts that offended people into a beautiful apology wrapped in words with real meaning and tied up with a bow of self-evaluation.

Consultants are underpaid.

That’s all I got/


Need Somebody to Root for in the Super Bowl? Go with the 49ers Chad Hall – The Most Interesting Man in the World

San Francisco 49ers WR Chad Hall: He is the Most Interesting Man in the World

Falcons fans may be miserable today and Georgia fans (I’m talking about me) may still be bitter about the SEC Championship Game, but there are still plenty of good football stories to cheer for.  One of them happens to be an Atlanta product.

San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Chad Hall played ball at the Wesleyan School in Norcross.  Widely viewed as undersized and ignored by most of the big boys, Hall took his talents to the Air Force Academy.  Initially designated as a QB, the Falcons found his athleticism better suited for the running back position and as a sophomore he earned 10 starts at the position.  He broke out as a junior, leading the team in rushing and scoring a combined six TDs (five on the ground, one on a catch).

“Going Off” is the technical way to describe is senior campaign.  In 2007 Chad Hall rushed for 1478 yards and 15 TDs, racked up 524 yards and a TD receiving and returned punts and kicks for a combined 681 yards.  If you run the numbers on that, Hall accounted for over 1.5 miles of productivity.

Hall became a darkhorse Heisman candidate late in the year before making President George W. Bush a Heisman candidate.

Undrafted out of college, Chad then fulfilled a commitment to the armed forces and was stationed as a second lieutenant at Hill Air Force Base in Utah.

In March of 2010 the Philadelphia Eagles signed Hall to a three year contract after seeing him work out.  He bounced between the practice squad and the active roster but had a breakout game in the season finale against the Cowboys, racking up 84 yards on six catches and one score.  The following season he was assigned to the practice squad before being promoted to the active roster later in the season.

This year he was signed to the Niners practice squad in late November and promoted to the active roster last week.  He was mentioned several times during the broadcast yesterday, but was targeted just once and did not make a catch.

Hall is known for his charitable spirit and he is a staunch advocate for the Wounded Warrior Project.  He even shaved his golden locks for the cause at Eagles training camp this season.

Also of Note: Hall’s sister has been dating Detroit Lions QB and UGA product Matthew Stafford for quite some time.  And, his cousin is UGA fullback Merritt Hall.


Stafford, DudeYouCrazy, Manti Te'o

Stafford, DudeYouCrazy, Manti Te’o after I autographed a ball for Manti in 2006.

If you read my site often, you know I’m not one for “Encyclopedia” style articles (sadly the closest thing I have to a “claim to fame” is an illustrated story about Jarvis Jones, and I’m not an artist), and this has certainly taken the tone of one.  But, I think that background is necessary to understand where I’m going.  Chad Hall was an under-recruited, hard working utility college player turned Air Force lieutenant who scratched and clawed his way onto the roster in Philadelphia and is doing the same thing in San Francisco.  He’s from Atlanta and he’s going to the Super Bowl.  But nobody in this town is talking about him.

If I go to the AJC Sports Page the top headlines are as follows:

  • Fan stabbed outside Ga. Dome
  • Bradley: Disasterous ending (Dude’s Note: Yes, “Disasterous” is spelled wrong on the site)
  • Schultz: Ryan can’t overcome mistakes
  • Julio Jones, Tony Gonzalez bright spots for Falcons in defeat
  • Quotes after the game
  • Kaepernick delivers
  • Ravens defeat Patriots
  • Couric to interview Te’o
  • Armstrong’s enemies find vindication, sadness
  • Design the AJC Peachtree T-shirt
  • Baseball mourns loss of 2 Hall of Famers
  • Ex-UGA prospect picks Clemson
I think it is "disasterous" if Hall doesn't get some press in Atlanta over the coming weeks.

I think it is “disasterous” if Hall doesn’t get some press in Atlanta over the coming weeks.

Term searches on are equally fruitless.

I understand that media is still very much a business.  I understand that the AJC must print what will sell.  But what sells better than a hard-working local patriot who is about to play in a Super Bowl?

I hope Chad Hall gets a little press over the coming weeks, he certainly deserves it.  But if he doesn’t and you’re looking for somebody to root for in the Super Bowl on February 3rd – remember his story.  It should be told more often than Lance Armstrong’s or Manti Te’o’s.  It should be a focal point of Atlanta sports over the coming weeks.


That’s all I got/


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