Washington Fans: Here’s What You Need to Troll Auburn Fans


I’ve been listening to the Soft Dicks Show (apparently a popular broadcast for Washington fans), because I’m a UW fan for the week. #PurpleReign baby!

In any event, I’ve been admittedly a little frustrated by Dave “Soft” Mahler and Dick “Dick” Fain. They’re pretty poor at talking smack. From what I can gather, most of their gripes about Auburn fans center upon a misunderstanding of how important college football is to the south and an exhausted “Southern People Are Stupid” stereotype.

I’ll address the latter shortcoming first. No, Auburn fans are not necessarily known for their brilliance. I can attest to that. For many in the south, the running joke is that most people go to Auburn as a backup school. More bluntly: Folks go to Auburn because they didn’t get into [insert school here]. As a Bulldog fan, I might quip that those who leave the Peach State for Auburn must not have been accepted to the University of Georgia. But be careful with that narrative, Huskies. You can’t quite own that. After all, I might just as easily assert that people go to the University of Washington because they can’t get into Georgia either.

You see, there is data that suggests students enrolled at the University of Georgia have, on average, higher high school GPAs, SATs and ACTs than students enrolled at Washington.

Washington Georgia Auburn
Average GPA 3.78 3.98 3.85
Average SAT 1841 1875 1727
Average ACT 28 29 27

 

You can’t spell “Dawgs On Top” without “SAT.”

 

But this isn’t an academic pissing contest — and that’s a good thing for Washington fans because trust me, the second urine gets involved…Auburn is winning. The broader point is this: You need to be smarter than just criticizing Auburn fans for being stupid.

You need to bring more to the table than that. And you need to abandon the notion that SEC fans just don’t appreciate college football outside of the south. That’s a losing argument, even if true. Honestly, why would SEC fans care about football from anywhere other than the south? Hell, why would anyone care? Nine of the past 12 national championships have been won by the SEC. Two more over that time period were won by clearly southern schools (Florida State and Clemson). Since 2006, 12 SEC teams have appeared in the 12 title games. So if Auburn fans (whose team won it all in 2010 and lost by 3 in the championship in 2014) only care about Southeastern Conference football, that might actually make sense.

But that’s not the case. I’m a Georgia homer and (in general) a fan of the SEC. Here are the things—in order—that bring me joy in college football:

  1. Georgia’s successes.
  2. The failures of Georgia’s rivals (Florida, Auburn and Tennessee in particular).
  3. The failures of prominent national programs.
  4. Scandals at holier-than-thou national programs.
  5. Poor performances by national powerhouses against the SEC.

Three of the five things that bring me the most joy involve non-SEC teams. I don’t think I’m on an island in that school of thought. So I think it’s safe to assume that most Auburn fans (maybe not Tammy from Auburn, the famed Finebaum guest who appeared on Soft Dicks earlier this week) have a general working knowledge of Chris Petersen, Big Game Jake and Myles Gaskin.

So, how should you go after Auburn fans? Frankly, there’s plenty of avenues, but here are some finer points I would bring up.

 

Hey Auburn fans, I hope we develop a real, longstanding rivalry with you all!

Why does this hurt? Well, Auburn doesn’t hold up all that well historically in rivalries. Alabama has won 56% of all Iron Bowl Games, and despite high-profile Auburn victories (think Mircale at Jordan-Hare and last year’s win) the Crimson Tide has rolled in seven of its last 10 meetings with the Tigers. Georgia also leads Auburn in what is considered the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry, and the Bulldogs have won ten of the last 13 meetings. One could argue that the past decade has been the most successful 10-year run in the history of Auburn football (they won their first National Championship since 1957 in 2010, they played for another in 2014 and they’ve won the SEC West three times and the conference twice). It has to suck that even in this period of relative dominance, Auburn is a combined 6-15 against its two biggest rivals. So saying, “Oh, I want a rivalry with you all, you guys suck in rivalries,” is a nice start.

 

Man, [Player X] is on thin ice at UW for criminal reasons. Do you think there’s room for him at Auburn?

Nobody believes in second-chances for talented athletes quite like Auburn. Seriously, if you know of a player who might get kicked off a team soon, I bet Auburn’s ready to take a look. Cam Newton stole a laptop from a fellow student and was on the verge of being expelled from the University of Florida, but he found a home at Auburn. When Nick Marshall was dismissed from Georgia for stealing from his own teammates, he found a home at Auburn. When stud safety Tray Matthews was dismissed from Georgia, he found a home at Auburn.

Auburn prides itself on family-like culture. As you know well, a big part of family is saying, “This guy was doing unethical and illegal things while disrupting his own family down the street, but I think we might win the Thanksgiving two-hand-touch football game if he comes to play quarterback for us so let’s adopt him.”

I mentioned earlier that the past ten years have been glorious for Auburn football. It’s worth noting that the Tigers’ two best seasons (2010 and 2014) featured quarterbacks who were forced out of other SEC programs for behavioral issues. Cam Newton and Nick Marshall reached two National Championship Games thanks to Auburn.

 

Speaking of Cam Newton…it’s just crazy how underrated Cam Newton was as a college football player.

This might be my favorite, because the reality is that when people talk about Cam Newton at Auburn they never talk about what he did on the field. He might have been the most dominant player I’ve seen at the collegiate level in his lone season at Auburn. The Tigers began their 2010 campaign ranked 22nd after a lackluster 8-5 campaign in Gene Chizik’s first season. They were ranked tenth by the October 2nd poll and 5th three weeks later. They went 14-0 almost exclusively because of Cam Newton.

He put up Lamar Jackson-level stats while playing in the toughest division in college football (at the end of 2010, five of the nation’s Top 15 teams belonged to the SEC West).

Opponent Total Yards Total TDs
Arkansas State 357 5
Mississippi State 228 2
Clemson 271 2
South Carolina 334 5
Louisiana-Monroe 234 3
Kentucky 408 4
Arkansas 328 4
LSU 303 2
Ole Miss 274 3
UTC 341 5
Georgia 299 4
Alabama 255 4
South Carolina 408 6
Oregon 329 2

 

So why am I saying nice things about a former Auburn player? Because literally no one else does! Cam Newton put an entire offense on his back, won a Heisman Trophy, won a BCS National Championship, won 100% of his games and got drafted first overall. But do you know what people remember about his time at Auburn? Oh, that’s right. Auburn cheated to get him. Allegedly.  That’s all anyone remembers!

Oh boy, that must make Tiger fans so mad.

“No guys, you don’t get it. Cam was the greatest player in his generation.”

Yep. And you paid him to come play.

“No, they never proved that and we won a Natty because of him.”

Yeah, I hope you did. But he’s still just Scam Newton to us.

 

Yo Auburn, your mascots suck.

What are you? Tigers? War Eagles? What’s the deal? For starters, Auburn doesn’t even have a real, live Tiger on campus like LSU. Sad! As for the rallying cry, “War Eagle,” if you can find an Auburn fan that can effectively explain its origin and meaning then you’ve found the only one.

So what’s the deal with these glorious birds or whatever? Well, the first one flew into the air during Auburn’s first football game and literally crashed into the field and died. The second one disappeared. Some people say it went to a zoo, some say it was stuffed, some say it was stolen. Who knows? What reverence! War Eagle III was named “Tiger” because Auburn is incestuous like that, and he got shot the day of a glorious 3-0 Auburn win over Tennessee in 1964. War Eagle IV was also named Tiger because why the hell not? War Eagle IV died the day of the 1980 Iron Bowl. Fittingly, Auburn played dead in that game as a tribute. War Eagle V lived a pretty uneventful life until dying from a ruptured spleen at age 8. War Eagle VI was so well cared for that the United States Fish and Wildlife Service levied charges of improper care against the university. War Eagle VII, the current damn eagle, has been university president since 2006. This current edition of War Eagle has been prohibited from flying since last year, so a bald eagle substitute has been plugged in. That’s right, Auburn uses a fake body-double for its fake mascot.

About ten years ago, Fox Sports named the Auburn Eagle as America’s fourth-best mascot (behind Ralphie the Buffalo at Colorado, Uga the Bulldog at Georgia and Bevo the Longhorn at Texas). Of course, one of these things is not like the other, because the other three in the top four are actually their school’s mascot!

 

Gus Malzahn is a dweeb! And Auburn is stuck with him! Forever!

Image result for gus malzahn

 

Name a lamer-looking head coach. I’ll wait.

[Still waiting…]

Auburn fans are effectively stuck with a head coach they don’t want and they’re stuck with him for damn-near forever. How’d that happen?

Malzahn turned a 12-2 first-year campaign at Auburn into 8-5 in 2014, 7-6 in 2015 and 8-5 in 2016. During that ominous three-year stretch he went 11-13 in conference play, 0-3 against Alabama (outscored by 45 total points) and 0-3 against Georgia (outscored by 40 total points). He was on his way out and it looked like 2017 might be his last year at the helm after a 14-6 loss at Clemson and a loss to an occasionally-disastrous LSU squad in mid-October. Another 8-4 campaign with losses to Georgia and Alabama would have doomed the guy, and losing another game wasn’t out of the question.

But then somehow, the goofball above managed to decimate Georgia and win by a decisive margin against Alabama in November. You can’t fire a guy who’s 10-2 in the regular season and coming off wins against your two biggest rivals. You certainly can’t let that guy leave for another SEC West coaching vacancy at a lesser program (Arkansas). So what do you do? You give the guy money. How much money? All the money. Over how long? Over forever! Malzahn was slated to make a little more than $4.7 million per year through 2020. Now he’s extended through 2024 with an average annual salary of $7 million.

The details of that deal were hashed out during the week of the SEC Championship last December, because remember things were good. What happened next? Auburn lost to Georgia 28-7 for the conference title. The game was never in doubt. Georgia out-gained Auburn by 162 yards, held the ball for six minutes and four seconds longer, committed zero turnovers to the Tigers two and embarrassed Malzahn’s squad.

But there has to be redemption for the Forty Nine Million Dollar Man, right? Auburn screwed around and lost to UCF in the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl, thus giving the Knights a mythical national championship and securing four losses for the Tigers on the year. This might sound nit-picky, but Auburn fans have developed a real sense of entitlement. As an outsider, you might pay attention to trivial things like facts and recognize that Auburn isn’t even the best football program in the state of Alabama, much less the SEC West or the SEC. But if you’re an Auburn fan, you know you deserve nothing but the best.

Gene Chizik was fired after just four years at Auburn. During that period he lost a total of 19 games. But he also won a frickin’ National Championship. Malzahn has lost 20 games over the past four years and he’s slated to make damn-near $50 million over the next seven seasons. Auburn deserves better, just ask Auburn.

Want to really get under Auburn fans’ skin. Just ask how excited they are to have Malzahn locked up until 2024.

 

Look, at the end of the day Auburn is a good football team. That should make you us Washington fans nervous. But Auburn tends to underperform high expectations and outperform low expectations. So take solace in the fact that a preseason Top 10 ranking may someday soon be hilarious. Above all else, enjoy the game. And if you’d like to hear more of my thoughts on the Auburn/Washington matchup, here’s a podcast (also available on iTunes) I recorded with a UW alum.

 

That’s all I got/

Andrew

 

About dudeyoucrazy

College Football Writer

Posted on August 30, 2018, in Blog. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Excellent breakdown, but as an Auburn troll honorable mention they have easily the MOST idiotic pregame in the conference (if not the country). I say that confidently without even having seen all of the SEC pregame routines. A Mic Man fully clad in cheerleading regalia belting Bodda Getta (which may deserve it’s own bullet point for moronic gibberish cheer) and Six Pence (like it’s 1924) over the stadium loud speakers is an abject embarrassment of titanic proportions.

  2. You know what a Georgia fan hates….thinking they are more than their trophy case reveals . You know what they are most afraid of….return of Florida to their dominant ways and Auburn in the East ….I mean my gosh Missiouri has played for the championship as much as uga

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