CONFERENCE PREVIEWS COMIN’! (Maybe trying the B1G West)
I just read a season preview about Northwestern.
Did you know they won 10 games last year?
I’ve been avoiding starting conference previews because I don’t want to write about the B1G West. I’d rather get a haircut from a boat rudder than watch a single possession of that division, the Beth Mowins noon ESPN2 special, but I’m here to serve.
Last year, my respective division winners were: Florida State/any of six teams (technically UNC) for the ACC, Arizona State (lol) and Stanford (HEY!) in the Pac-12, Ohio State and Nebraska in the B1G, Baylor in the XII, and Georgia/Bama in the SEC. Nothing egregious
besides Arizona State and only Stanford in the ‘sage call’ category.
Ok, f*** it, let’s get this over with.
Big Ten West
7) Purdue. In the Wake Forest/Kansas/Colorado category of “holy hell we need relegation systems in college football”. The only thing Georgia fans need to know about Purdue: OC Jim Chaney was Drew Brees’ OC at Purdue. THERE’S YOUR HOOK.
6) Minnesota. Man, they were close to being decent under Jerry Kill. Then Jerry Kill retired, and instead of playing the coaching carousel, they named interim Tracy Claeys the successor for no reason. Claeys went 1-4 down the stretch, including the most epic clock management failure in football history. Three shifts with the clock running on 1st and goal from the 1, down 3. Go Gophers!
5) Illinois. I got to the end of this and realized I was a team short. Oops. I feel like karma is now going to bite my Tar Heels…beat Georgia, lose to Illinois. Damnit. (they get both Michigans from the East, FYI.)
4) Northwestern. Wanted to pick them as my darkhorse disclaimer: the whole B1G West is a darkhorse but I can’t do it because they draw road games with Michigan St. and Ohio St. on the other (read: decent) side.
3) Iowa. They outperformed every single metric in the established college football universe en route to the 12-2 season last year. I grew to loathe them, because their most impressive win was a 10-6 shootout over Wisconsin. Stanford styled on them, and all was right in the universe. When I say styled, Iowa fans COMPLAINED TO THE FCC because the Stanford band incorporated cows into their halftime show.
F*** Iowa. I wanted to pick them last.
2) Wisconsin. Victims of the schedule, plain and simple. They get all three contenders from the East, LSU, and the mighty Georgia State Panthers.
- Nebraska. I have no idea why the formatting changed. I can’t fix it. Help. Nebraska was my pick last year, they were one of three 5-7 teams to win a bowl game, and…Christ were they the inverse Iowa. They opened with a Hail Mary loss to BYU. Then an OT loss to Miami. One-point loss to Illinois, then by two to Wisconsin. Then two to Northwestern.
Then holy shit they lost to Purdue.After reversing karma against Michigan St., they lost to Iowa by 8. Five Big Ten losses by 23 combined points. Tommy Armstrong, Neil Armstrong’s brother, is still there. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. YAY CORN!
Five Games Worth Watchin’
Still having formatting issues. I think we’re going indented from here on out.
- Nebraska at Iowa, Nov. 25: Its a tryptophan (spellcheck doesn’t have the turkey ingredient handy) hangover game, so this is fine to watch.
- Wisconsin at Michigan State, Sept. 24: One logically assumes Wisconsin is the most talented team in this division, and they’re going to get POUNDED by LSU in Week 1. But if they show a pulse in East Lansing, maybe they can get back to their rightful place atop the West.
- Purdue at Indiana, Nov. 26: Look, this won’t be on TV. But three of the last five matchups have featured AT LEAST 90 combined points.
- Nebraska at Wisconsin, Oct. 29: IDK. The only two name programs in this shitshow of a division.
- Iowa St. at Iowa, Sept. 10: EL ASSICO!!!! Early enough in the season that it’ll probably be a 3:30 ABC game.
Players worth knowing
Jesus, you’re going to make me do this.
Desmond King, Iowa: Should’ve gone pro. 13 passes broken up, 8 picks, and now gonna get his colleague on the other side of the field exposed.
Corey Clement, Wisky: Remember him? He’s averaging 7 yards per carry for his career, but 2015 was a lost season as he got hurt in a Week 1 loss against Alabama.
Other names I recognize: C.J. Beathard, QB, Iowa; Justin Jackson, RB, Northwestern. I’m sure there are other dudes that play there.