NFL Football: Death to Fantasy + Week 14 Picks
You see that? Week 14, that’s NUTS. We’ve got one more month of regular season football, some playoffs, then it’s all over. Then, I get basketball drunk until June, ignore sports all summer (GO AWAY BASEBALL), and after what feels like 50 years, I FINALLY get football again. Knowing this, you’d assume that I’d be soaking in every precious drop of life sustaining football before being cast out into the sports desert that is the offseason. You’d be wrong. Why am I actively cheering for the end of the regular season?
The rule of thumb is that no one ever cares about your fantasy team, mostly because discussing it is selfish, and this is the second time this season I’ve whined about this voluntary activity. But this is it. I’m going to wave goodbye to my League fees this year and walk away for at least a year. Why you ask? I spent last Sunday cheering specifically AGAINST the Broncos defense which is a ridiculous thing to say, and maybe a year off will make me care more about games, and less about how many yards Frank Gore is going to get this week (the answer is a million now because I missed the playoffs and it doesn’t matter). When I am bitching about my fantasy team next year because I get roped into playing because I’m an idiot, feel free to throw this blog in my face.
Let’s get to picks before I get sad(der).
Home team in bold.
Cowboys (-???) over Bears
Clearly, I’m not counting this one after the fact, but man oh man, the Cowboys won 9 games. I bet they still find a way to go 8-8.
Bengals (+3) over Steelers
Gibe me the team with the better defense playing at home. The Benagls have flirted with the
stupid elusive ‘elite’ tag all year, teasing their fans with the prospect of back to back division titles, but this might be another year where Marvin Lewis coaches well until the playoffs.
Rams (-3) over Washington Professional Football Team
Be a bigger dumpster fire Washington. You can’t . You can’t.
Giants (-1) over Titans
When the season ends, do you think they just change the locks on the facility, and let Coughlin slowly figure out he’s fired, or what? Maybe he can stay on like the last 10 years of Bobby Bowden, standing around as a monument to past greatness without actually doing anything.
Panthers (+10) over Saints
*WARNING* Repeated gambling exposure to NFC South football can result in abject hatred of self and lack of money.
Vikings (-6) over Jets
The upside to having no more bye weeks is more football. The downside is this entire early slate of games. Go to the park or something.
Ravens (+2.5) over Dolphins
That’s from last week’s game, where time ran out because the receiver didn’t get out of bounds. Try not to stupid away this week Ravens.
Colts (-3.5) over Browns
FREE JOHNNY FOOTBALL. Although…
Lions (-10) over Buccaneers
*NFC SOUTH ALERT*
Texans (-6) over Jaguars
I was cheering for Clowney to be good, so his slow start has been disappointing. But then I watched everything JJ Watt is doing this season, and realized that Clowney being great would ruin the league. Good god, Watt is TERRIFYING.
Broncos (-10) over Bills
This week, the new Bills ownership got them out of that colossally stupid Toronto deal. Only one piece of good news a week Bills fans. That’s the deal you made with Ymir the Frost Giant.
Chiefs (-1) over Cardinals
I bet Patrick Peterson learned the dangers of chirping at Julio. It’s funny to slowly watch the entire Cardinals fanbase re-learn the dangers of hope.
Seahawks (+1) over Eagles
Mr. Sherman, this is Mark Sanchez. He’ll be throwing you the ball Sunday.
Niners (-8) over Raiders
Winner gets Harbaugh. Just kidding, he’s going to Michigan while the Raiders continue to Raider.
Patriots (-3.5) over Chargers
Tom Brady at night? Tom Brady at night.
Falcons (+13) over Packers
I need this. Sure, Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback int he NFL, but 13 points is a lot and…sigh. I guess I hate real football almost as much as fantasy.
Enjoy the games.
Last Week: 9-5
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