NFL Football: Fantasy Football + Week 8 Picks
Minor technological hiccups ate the blog last week, but I’m back to continue the war against the machines today. I know you all appreciate my efforts. This year, I saw two fantasy leagues I was in dissolved and I desperately rushed into a league JUST so I could light an undisclosed sum of money on fire. At press time, my best running back beats his kid, my best receiver has a busted foot in Cincy, and my flex specialist just got traded to the Jets.
What’s the point?
Seriously. At least once a year, I get violently angry at myself, vow to quit and never come back, and envision a world where the yardage totals in a game I care nothing about don’t matter to me at all. I want to enjoy a football season without hoping that Percy Harvin won’t cost me money by being an asshole in the locker room. I miss being disappointed by the Falcons, and moving on with my day. Someone find this post, and when I start getting weird about football next year (over/under the MLB All-Star break), throw this in my face and convince me not to flush an undisclosed sum of money down the toilet.
We missed last week, but let’s be honest, the picks would have continued my trend of sustained mediocrity. As always, home teams are in bold.
Broncos (- Don’t bet against Peyton Manning at night) over Chargers
I was too busy trying (and failing) to log on to Skype last night for the podcast to tweet out this pick before the game, but the Peyton Manning at night thing is real. If gambling were legal, I would have figured this out in college when I lost an undisclosed sum of money betting against 18 in a night game. If gambling were legal.
Falcons (+3.5) over Lions
HOLY CRAP 9:30 AM FOOTBALL! I’m excited and scared all at the same time; mostly because Columbia’s homecoming is this weekend, and god knows where I’ll be at 9:30 Sunday morning. Oh, and I’m glad we get to continue the tradition of passive-aggressively sending two crappy teams to play in front of a disinterested crowd in London. I’m less glad that the Falcons are one of these crappy teams. Damn you Hard Knocks/offensive line depth.
Chiefs (-7) over Rams
I don’t think Jeff Fisher will be trying that cute ish on the road.
Texans (-3) over Titans
Mettenberger is the best quarterback involved in this game, but the Texans are the better team.
Vikings (+2.5) over Bucs
The NFC South is historically horrific part 1!
Seahawks (-4.5) over Panthers
The NFC South is historically horrific part 2! I remember looking on the schedule, and being excited for this matchup. now, the NFC South is a tire fire, and Percy Harvin is a Jet. Thanks Obama.
Ravens (-1) over Bengals
Can we start a GoFundMe for AJ Green, Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald to be liberated off of their current squads, and shipped to teams with actual NFL caliber quarterbacks so we can more super-watchable games? Please?
Dolphins (-6) over Jaguars
Not fooling me Jags. I know your dirty tricks.
Patriots (-6) over Bears
Remember when I got to make all those ‘Brady is done’ comments? It feels like a year ago.
Bills (+3) over Jets
Hey, network TV. Stop trying to sell me the World Series. No one – AND I MEAN NO ONE – cares. So, toss me a few thousand more Gotham (Batman Begins minus Batman!) or Red Band Society (because real life isn’t depressing enough!) promos, and stop selling me baseball. It’s football season for god sakes.
Eagles (+2.5) over Cardinals
Chip Kelly back y’all.
EVERYBODY INTO THE POOL .
Browns (-6.5) over Raiders
This is the time to start JFF. Let his reign of terror begin!
Peter King’s head would explode. Which is good for everyone.
Colts (-3.5) over Steelers
Andrew Luck continues to have a horseshow both on his helmet and shoved way up his <redacted>.
Packers (+1.5) over Saints
WHAT YEAR IS THIS? How are the Saints favored over the Packers? Does the public REALLY like Drew Brees that much? Look, the NFC South is trash, and the Pack has looked great since Rodgers proved he could spell.
Cowboys (-10) over Washington Professional Football Team
Colt McCoy. #HesStillInTheLeague All-Pro. Keep getting them checks Colt.
Last Week: 9-4-1
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