World Cup: Not the Hype Post You Deserve but the One You Need Right Now

It was always going to end this way.

You knew it as soon as you saw the Group of Death opening it’s oppressive jaws and smelt it’s putrid breath of sauerkraut and whatever the hell delicacy Ghanians are famous for.

That faint whiff of hair gel and 12-pack abs was never the real problem. There was a witch doctor afoot. A shaman of a soccer team that bore down a decade’s worth of a curse on our fledgling effort to become a part of the world’s sport.

But even that wasn’t the problem.

We hired the Dr. Frankenstein of soccer in Jurgen Klinsmann. He’d been doing an inhuman experiment but we foolishly believed the beast would never come back to haunt us.

Fools, all of us.

The beast—attacking German football—has come to collect its reckoning.

It was never going to be the hairdo. Or the curse.

It was always going to come down to the Germans.

And now you people want to tie them?!

Are you American? Have you never seen an Indiana Jones movie? Is defeating the Germans not seared into your patriotic subconscious?

We don’t tie the Germans. We either win with them as our new allies or we inundate them to death with a tsunami of freedom and justice.

If you want a tie then go back to England. They tie the Germans in the World Cup all the time. Google it and see how it worked out for them.

But that’s not where this is coming from, is it? You have plenty of ‘Murcia in your heart.

The problem is this: you still think we’re the team that HAS to tie the Germans.

You think we’re a Johnny-come-lately, oh look a soccer team, World Cup minnow of a team.

Wake up.

That’s not who we are anymore.

We’re a gotdamn rattlesnake. A predator lying in wait for any and all who would imagine they could pass unmolested. We have been waiting for this moment forever. We’ve been building our snake hole in this swampy cesspool of a sport for this one moment: the moment you decided to tread, bitch.

We’re not the team that ties the Germans. We’re the team that strikes their heel and slithers away, knowing they’ll either be crippled or die slowly.

We’re the team that stands toe to toe with the Germans and hands them their first loss.

And it won’t be a miracle. It’ll be because that’s who we are.

We’re not the team that ties the Germans, anymore.

Embrace it.

And ante the f*ck up.



Posted on June 26, 2014, in Blog. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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