The Pope Resigns, Talks Football
In a surprise move to Catholics, Protestants and football fans alike, Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he will resign on February 28th. DudeYouCrazy caught up with him for this exclusive, official and completely factual statement:
This decision is one I make with a heart weighed down by love, regret and 85 years of hard living. While it may come as a surprise, I can assure you that this literally world-changing announcement has been contemplated for no less than 34 days. You learn to appreciate certain things in your old age and you refuse to tolerate other things. I was able to look past gross misconduct by clergy in recent years, but I was unable see beyond the gross misconduct of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish in this year’s BCS National Championship game. I have seen the Irish fight, and this was not Fighting Irish. I have seen the triumph of victory and the progress of the Catholic Church, this game offered no such things.
Accordingly, it is time for me to move on. I would like to thank the Vatican for the great memories, but I’d like to announce that I am taking my talents to the Southeastern United States in search of a faster game of football. If you need further counsel I suggest you track me down in Tuscaloosa, Baton Rouge, Gainesville or Athens. I will be there with Lennay Kekua. What??? Is it too soon for an old man to make fake-girlfriend jokes? I guess I really have worn out my welcome.
It should be noted that Pope Benedict XVI is the first Pope to resign since Pope Gregory XII did so in 1415. Perhaps not so coincidentally, 1415 was also the last time that an elite celebrity athlete had to pretend to have a girlfriend living in another state.
That’s all I got/