Exclusive: The Questionable Training Techniques of Jarvis Jones – the Legend Continues
This is the second part of a series examining the exploits of Jarvis Jones. The first part was written in the Fall of 2012 and was endorsed by Jarvis himself who labeled the piece, “legit” and “nice” and added “I like it” and “gotta love it” (all via Twitter). That story can be found here. As you’ll be able to tell, some of the story is fictionalized. But, all the images are real photographs taken by an undercover photographer. Enjoy.
Jarvis Jones and His Epic NFL Combine Preparation
When we last saw Jarvis Jones he was sitting at a post-game press conference with Coach Mark Richt and Aaron Murray. Georgia had just defeated Nebraska in the Capital One Bowl and in doing so reached just the third 12-win season in the program’s storied history. But the season was incomplete for Jarvis…or so he thought. He had not shattered the single-season UGA record for sacks…or so he thought.
“Hey Jarvis, how did it feel to get the sack record today?” a beat reporter asked.
Jones who had strongly been considering returning for his senior year just to shatter that record perked up at the question. “I got it?”
“Yes you did,” came the response.
“Ah, that’s pretty neat I guess…” Jarvis trailed off in an effort to not convey the very factual sentiment that he was a complete, total and unstoppable beast.
Having accomplished everything he could both on the field (records, records and records) and off (considered by many to be the greatest humanitarian college football has ever seen thanks to his creation of Global Warming and delightful 50-60 degree winter temperatures for the entire Southeast), Jarvis had no choice but to declare for the NFL Draft.
I shared the reaction below with most Georgia fans.
But while you cannot have too much of a good thing like Jarvis Jones, all good things – even Jarvis Jones – do come to an end. This was that end…of Jarvis Jones being a Georgia Bulldog. It wasn’t the end of Jarvis Jones being an all-around good dude.
You see, Jarvis had an NFL Draft to prepare for, and to prepare for the Draft he had to first prepare for the NFL Combine. The Combine, as you may know, is a series of skill tests designed to determine an athlete’s strength, speed, agility and overall awesomeness. The end goal of the NFL Combine is to determine the odds of a superior athlete’s success on a professional field of play.
Some players test at just a few events relevant to their position, others don’t test at all – they just get interviewed and measured. Jarvis obviously isn’t afraid of competition and he has no physical weaknesses. So he’s been preparing for each and every test. Here are some things he’s been spotted doing:
Jones prepared for the 40-Yard Dash with a nice trip to Europe. Not one to mix business with pleasure, Jones was hard at work pulling the Intercity-Express train in Zurich, Switzerland. Some say he was showing off, he says he was reducing energy consumption. He got pretty fast in the process.
To prepare for the 225 pound bench press test Jarvis has been filling in for a busted conveyor belt at General Motors plant. By holding the cars above his chest he is building strength and endurance, and by using his legs to slide on the floor he is building up his core strength and lower body explosiveness.
That lower body explosiveness has certainly paid off when he’s training for the vertical jump test. This preparation has sent Jarvis to Arctic ocean where he is bouncing from the bottom of the icy ocean floor and vaulting up above the crest of the water to serve as a buoy. You can’t possible understand how Jarvis is doing this, because his strength is unimaginable. But, it is important to understand why he is doing this. He’s marking a fully submerged iceberg that previously has a simple warning label on it and in doing so is warding off traveling sea vessels. Is it working? Let’s put it this way: the Titanic hasn’t crashed since Jarvis started his buoy patrol.
Jones’ training for the Broad Jump has been his second-most productive regiment. Thanks to Jones, a new bridge running the length (not the width) of the Grand Canyon is nearing completion.
3 Cone Drill
How good is Jarvis Jones at the three cone drill? FedEx gave him a full-time route for delivery in a 3-cone pattern. It spans the entire country.
But…Jarvis was hired away from FedEx to work for UPS on a shuttle-run route.
The Wonderlic is designed to test a player’s cognitive capabilities in a timed, pressure-packed situation. How has Jones been training for this test? He developed an effective way of reducing the national debt, balancing the budget and lowering taxes. The solution is too complicated to even begin describing, but know that the entirety of the US Government would be overhauled and the three branches of government (Legislative, Executive, Judicial) would have been replaced with three better branches: The Jar, The Vis and the Jones. Why wasn’t this accepted? Have you ever tried to put a politician out of a job? Reason never prevails. But Jarvis does. And the day of Jar, Vis, Jones revolution will be one of sweet, sweet victorious freedom.
Best of luck in your NFL Draft Combine preparation, Jarvis! And thanks for all that you are doing for the world.
That’s all I got/