Why Georgia is Better than Florida and Why the Bulldogs will Win the Game
I’m a big fan of equilibrium. I think that things – for the most part – have a way of ultimately working themselves out and settling somewhere comfortable. I’m laissez-faire when it comes to the economy and I’m entirely too stress-free to an extent that some would say I “don’t take anything seriously” (you know who you are, jerk). I am this way because I think all things ultimately even out and what’s supposed to happen happens.
And that is exactly why Georgia will win this football game on Saturday. Georgia has an edge over Florida on so many levels that it just doesn’t make sense for Florida to continue to dominate the series. Let’s take a look.
Coaches of the Past
Florida’s two most legendary coaches are known around the nation for the following reasons:
- One is known for running his nasal, Urkel-esque mouth every chance he gets and deprecating his own team and quarterbacks to an extent that he appears to will them to lose late in the season. Yes, I’m talking about Steve Spurrier.
- The other is known for faking “sickness” to get out of a Florida job when the talent dried up and using his family as an excuse to “walk away” from the job because of “stress” only to return to a program in even more turmoil just one season later. Well done, Urban Meyer.
Georgia’s most legendary coach, Vince Dooley, is just known for being a nice guy who recruited Herschel Walker, won a lot of games, a few championships and possibly set the bar a little too high for Georgia fans. Take your pick.
Ex-QBs in Commercials
Florida Legend and the world’s most popular punt-blocker, Tim Tebow, appeared in this commercial in which he physically assaults his mother.
Former Georgia quarterback Matt Stafford appears in commercials that are actually funny – not offensive to mothers around the world.
The most famous Florida politician is best known for the phrase “Go Gatuh.” And she has also starred in videos like this one, entitled, “How Obamacare Helps All Americans.” I haven’t watched the whole thing because frankly I get bored when politicians have to read their notes word-for word. But I assume she is explaining how Obamacare helps the best football players in the nation based on the title. I will point out that she actually clarifies that “Obama” is referencing “President Barack Obama” at the 1:45 mark.
UGA was home to Zell Miller – the guy who brought the Lottery and affordable college education to the state. Go Gatuh!
Florida claims to play in the “Swamp.” That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. For all the things wrong with Boise State, at least they get it right in calling their field SmurfTurf because they are in fact playing on ground-up Smurfs that have been turned into turf. I’ve watched hundreds of games that were being played at “The Swamp,” not once has a player had to swim or trudge through even knee-deep water.
Georgia plays “Between the Hedges” because there are hedges on the sides of the field. The Bulldogs play in Sanford Stadium, because that is the name of the stadium.
Can you really trust a football program that lies about what surface they play on?
Coaches Playing History
Mark Richt played college football at Miami where he hated Florida. He then coached at Florida State where he hated Florida. Now he coaches at UGA where he hates Florida. Anybody think he likes the Gators?
Will Muschamp played for the University of Georgia. Are we sure he’s not undercover in Gainesville? He sure used to hate Florida. Poser.
Stereotypes usually exist for a reason. They may be exaggerated or otherwise embellished, but there’s usually a basis for their formation. Gator fans really do wear Jean Shorts and dress like white trash – not all of them, but most of them. I can specifically remember this exchange with a Florida fan (wearing jean shorts and a New York Giants jersey with cut-off sleeves, go figure) at the 2008 Georgia/Florida game as I wore seersucker pants (how classless of me!).
Gator: Guys, look at this Georgia fan! His pants look like Candy Canes!
Me: And you look like you’re homeless.
Me: Hey let me borrow the hammer that’s in the carpenter jeans you cut off.
Me: Did your mom get you those in middle school? It’s cool that you still wear them to honor her.
Me: Seriously, do you wear those year round or is this just to get me going?
The conversation ended – I kid you not – as he pulled out two Black & Milds and lit them simultaneously with a NASCAR Zippo lighter.
These folks bring a whole new meaning to the term “Swamp People.”
Florida is the sixth most-American college according to an expert who cross-referenced preseason football rankings and party school rankings. Georgia is America’s most American school. That has to count for something, since we’re in America and all.
Gators Are Lame
The scientific name for the American Alligator is the Alligator mississippiensis. If you can pronounce the second part of that scientific name without using the scientific name for a certain part of a male’s anatomy, then you are a better man than I.
Also, Alligators used to be endangered, which means they needed a bunch of hippy, weirdo tree-huggers to come in and say, “No, no, no! Danger! Please don’t hurt this ferocious animal with all these teeth! No! Where’s my hackysack?!?!?!?” That’s pretty tough. I wish my school had a mascot named after something hippies love. The University of Georgia Clove Cigarettes has a nice ring to hit. So does the University of Georgia Fighting Pacifists.
This is Florida dancing on CBS.
This is Georgia dancing on CBS.
Oh, and this is also Georgia dancing on CBS.
Erin Andrews, who was so good at her job at ESPN that they chose not to renew her contract, is the University of Florida’s most-famous television personality. She is famous for being the most attractive sports personality around, which when you say it, really isn’t all that impressive. Let’s put it this way: You don’t get a lot of credit for being the most athletic guy on the math team; I’m not sure you deserve much for being the best looking woman reporting on sports.
Kyle Chandler attended the University of Georgia. He went on to predict the future through a newspaper and coach the best darn high school football team the state of Texas has ever seen, and he won an Emmy for doing it. That’s talent.
With all these egregious shortcomings by the University of Florida I refuse to believe that the Gators will continue to dominate this rivalry. They’re too bad for that.
That’s all I got/