How Jarvis Jones Changed the World
Some say that Jarvis Jones was born without a chance. Others say that he was born without his pants. Only the lucky few in the hospital room on October 13, 1989 can attest to such circumstances, but this much is true: Jarvis Jones was born to change the world.
Blessed with tremendous athletic abilities and a mane of hair unprecedented on this side of the animal kingdom, Jones’ childhood exploits are well documented but any attempt to list them would yield only aDos Equis Most Interesting Man-like parody. In earnest Jarvis Jones’ world-changing began in 2009.
Following a heralded career at Carver High School in Columbus, GA (home of legends like Isaiah Crowell) Jarvis Jones decided to go Hollywood by taking his talents to the sunny streets of Los Angeles and playing for the Southern California Trojans. Jones joined an electric recruiting class lead (at least in the media’s mind) by California golden-boy Matt Barkley. Widely regarded as the most…shall we say “different,” quarterback to come from the state of California since Sunshine on Remember the Titans, Barkley was considered the fifth best player in the country and the top-rated passer in all of the US of A.
Barkley’s arrival at USC prompted returning starter Mark Sanchez to run for the NFL boarder and pursue a career as a real-life professional football player, and he was ultimately drafted by the New York Jets and later (in 2014) eaten by a disgruntled Rex Ryan. From the moment Matt Barkley arrived, L.A. was his town. There was just one little problem: he was living in Jarvis Jones’ world.
Jones showed up to Los Angeles ready to eat quarterbacks and urinate liquid national championship trophies. Wearing jersey number 10 in honor of the Commandments, Jones made an immediate impact in the form of five tackles (including one for a loss) in his debut for the Trojans. But, not all good things are meant to last. Some good things are meant to have severe nerve damage, disappear for a bit and then come back as an even better thing.
Jones was one of those latter things. In his eighth game sharing the field with Matt Barkley, Jarvis suffered a severely sprained neck, nerve damage and a disheartening blow to his quest for defensive dominance. Things got even worse for Jones as stubborn, liberal, hippy California doctors refused to give him medical clearance to return to the field the following spring. Like Bobby Boucher before him, all Jarvis Jones wanted to do was to “play the foosball.”
And play the foosball he did, just not at the University of Southern Barkley. In June of 2010 he transferred to the University of Georgia to play football. But, he got much more than he bargained for. He got Todd “Damnit” Grantham.
Not one to mince words Grantham had a simple message for Jarvis Jones: “Come here and we can kill quarterbacks, choke kickers and maybe, just maybe change the world. Oh, and go to class too. Academics matter.”
Over the years that followed Grantham proved to be less of a defensive coordinator and more of a prophet.
Jarvis Jones sat out the 2010 season as a redshirt – at least that’s what the record book will tell you. But in fact, he was active to an extent that would madden the NCAA and discredit the reputation of the University of Georgia. Shortly after arriving in Athens, GA Jarvis Jones stumbled upon a group of knuckleheads smoking marijuana. One of the knuckleheads was Justin Houston. Not one to put up with tomfoolery Jarvis promptly adult-napped Houston, tied him to the top of Stageman Coliseum and made a deal.
“You will have a fantastic season,” Jones guaranteed Houston. “But it won’t be because of you. It will be because of me. I will become you.”
Confused by the marijuana and the odd spirituality of Jarvis, Houston asked, “Dude? What?”
“I’m leaving you here,” Jones responded. “But I’m taking your jersey. And I’m going to wear a skull cap to resemble your bald head. And number 42 will be a lone bright spot for the Georgia Bulldogs this season. Justin Houston will have a fantastic season. But I will be Justin Houston.”
And with no further words he left Justin on top of the arena for 9 months, only checking on him twice a week to deliver fresh Philly Cheesesteaks from Snelling Dining Hall and a hug from Ms. Sandra – everyone’s favorite dining hall lady. Justin Houston recorded 15 tackles for loss, 7.5 sacks and 18 quarterback pressures in 2010 while Jarvis Jones redshirted. At least that’s what the record book will tell you.
The Fall 2011 brought transparency for Jarvis Jones and a chance for him to be himself. And there is no better self to be than Jarvis Jones’ self. Wearing jersey number 29 in honor of the upcoming leap year, Jones burst onto the scene in September by playing the role of “linebacker who understands how to play football” in the Bulldogs loss to Boise State. And, he only got better.
Jones finished the season with 70 tackles, 19.5 for a loss, 13.5 sacks and 49 quarterback pressures. He was voted to every All-American Team except for the annual team picked by Playboy as he had already been “friend-zoned” by every playmate residing in the house (this is a long complicated story of chivalry being lost in Hugh Hefner’s home, but I can assure you that Jarvis Jones is the good guy) and thus was no longer on their collective To-Do List. A finalist for the Butkus award, Jones withdrew his name due to the negative connotation the award’s name gives off to non-football fans.
Needless to say the NFL was calling. First the Kansas City Chiefs called asking him to reprise his role as Justin Houston. Jarvis declined. Then the New Orleans Saints called asking him to protect them from Roger Goodell and the bounty-gate scandal. Jones declined. Then the NFL Draft itself offered to let Jones tackle Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III simultaneously on stage moments before they were to be picked first and second. Again, Jarvis Jones declined.
Ultimately five things kept him in Athens. His love for Todd Grantham. His love for Georgia fans. His love for independent music. His love for Milledge Avenue. And his hatred for quarterbacks named Barkley.
You see, as a teammate of Matt Barkley in 2009 Jones had learned to respect the slim-shady blonde. He was forced to out of loyalty and Jarvis Jones is the dictionary definition of loyalty. But after returning to God’s Country and back to the Southeast he realized something: Matt Barkley is overrated. It was that realization that drove Jones to imitate Justin Houston in 2010 and to become an All-American on his own in 2011. It was that realization that would make him a Heisman candidate in 2012. It was that realization that would change football forever in 2013.
Jarvis Jones opened the 2012 season with what some would call a bang, but what he would call a soft warning shot saying politely to Matt Barkley and USC, “I’m coming for you, bro.” With 17 tackles, 4.5 for a loss, 3.5 sacks, one interception and three forced fumbles through two games Jones began to receive Heisman consideration. By October Jones was one of three favorites for the prestigious award joining Barkley and South Carolina running back Marcus Lattimore. After breaking both of Lattimore’s legs off, deep frying them the way South Carolinians like them and feeding them to Steve Spurrier on October 6 it was clear that Jones was now in a two-man race with only Barkley standing between him and the highest prize in college football.
Jones helped lead the Georgia Bulldogs to an undefeated regular season, a number one ranking and a matchup with the Alabama Crimson Tide in the SEC Championship Game. The tide was extra crimson that day as the Atlanta streets ran red with the blood of would-be offensive linemen left in the wake of Jarvis Jones’ fury. The display was so impressive that in an unprecedented move Georgia head coach Mark Richt ordered the Bulldogs to punt on first downs during the second half so that the crowd could watch more of Jarvis Jones and the UGA defense. Georgia won the game 14-0, but the game was never that close.
At season’s end Jarvis and Matt Barkley were flown to New York City for the Heisman Trophy ceremony. Not one for the individual accolades, interviews or other foolishness Jones spent his time in New York City huddled in a small Irish Pub drinking his favorite beverage – O’doul’s mixed with kerosene. ESPN said all week that Matt Barkley would win. Jarvis Jones didn’t hear it. He was too busy becoming a “real” New Yorker in just three days’ time.
When the random old guy got on stage to announce the winner Jarvis Jones didn’t have butterflies. He was not nervous. He was not excited. He just was Jarvis Jones. What happened next stunned ignorant media members, Californians and Matt Barkley alike. Jarvis Jones won the 2012 Heisman Trophy.
Jarvis Jones walked to the podium, shed one single tear and began his speech by thanking God with such sincerity that nobody at home said, “Yeah right, I bet he’s a thug.” He then thanked his family, his coaching staff and the United States Armed Forces. He shook hands with every present Heisman Trophy winner. He even sought out a scorned Reggie Bush in the back of the room to acknowledge him as a former Heisman Trophy winner and to ask him to ask Kim Kardashian to tell Kanye West that he was not interested in dropping a beat on his next album.
Then he left New York City to prepare for a date with destiny. He had a date with Matt Barkley in the BCS National Championship game as the Bulldogs were to take on the Trojans.
By the time the game rolled around the media had convinced the world that Matt Barkley had been hosed out of the Heisman Trophy and that the disgruntled Golden Child would rally behind such an injustice and lead the Trojans to a national championship. Mark Richt, Todd Grantham and Jarvis Jones had other plans.
Georgia kicked the ball seven yards deep into the endzone to open the game and a Southern Cal “athlete” ignorantly tried to return it. The SEC Speed swallowed him up at the 12 yard line. Rattled but still cocky, Matt Barkley and the Trojan offense trotted onto the field. The Trojans had spent the week preparing for the game by partying in Hollywood, sticking their hands into cement and otherwise attracting TMZ. Will Ferrell was serving as Celebrity Offensive Coordinator and Snoop Dogg was holding it down as the honorary coach for the defense, and although they had no official playcalling duties many wondered if they would do better than Lane Kiffin and his staff.
Matt Barkley approached the line and placed his two hands into their favorite hiding place, comfortably in the nether regions of the center’s loins. He spotted Jones across the line shaking his dreadlocks in an unbridled fury matched only by his passion for excellence. Barkley winked at Jarvis and mouthed, “Sack me, maybe,” before yelling the last words of his life, “Red Seven! Red Seven! Hot route! Hot Route! Red Seven! Set HUTTTT!”
Like a ‘roided up Usain Bolt Jarvis Jones exploded when he heard the trigger of the snap. He karate chopped the left tackle before setting his sights on Barkley. Jones then pulled a swim-move followed by a spin move just for style points and as a warning to the fair-haired passer. Barkley didn’t heed the warning. Jarvis Jones popped his neck to feel the sting of the once damaged nerves and then exploded into Barkley.
With Jones’ helmet just below the QB’s jaw and his arms wrapped with 12 metric tons of pressure around Barkley’s back, the Southern Cal signal-caller was hit with a force so great that he couldn’t even fumble the ball. Jones torpedoed him downward with the force of Thor’s hammer and slammed him into the ground. Not onto the ground. Into the ground. The crowd went wild immediately recognizing not only a marvelous athletic display but also a game-opening safety. But the cheers quickly subsided.
Jarvis Jones stood up to silence. Standing below him, four feet into the ground, Matt Barkley lie motionless. Some say the force of the hit damaged his brain so quickly that he died instantaneously. Others say that when Jarvis Jones’ force buried him in the ground his organs were crushed and his life faded in a matter of seconds. Still others say the lethal blow was the football that was impounded eight inches into Barkley’s sternum where his heart should have been. In any event, Matt Barkley was dead. Jarvis Jones had killed a quarterback, just like Todd Grantham had prophesied.
Moved by the incident Jones picked Barkley up out of the ground, hopped the stadium fence and carried him to where the deceased QB’s family was sitting. He sat with the grieving family as Georgia closed out a 2-0 victory. Four days later the Barkley family asked Jarvis Jones to serve as the lone pall bearer at Matt’s funeral. Jones humbly accepted but ultimately found that he didn’t have it in him to drop the quarterback one final time. Instead, he opted to carry Matt Barkley’s casket with him as a reminder of his own greatness and as a tribute to the fallen Trojan.
Jarvis Jones never played another down of college football. When he was drafted by the Cleveland Browns with the first pick of the 2013 NFL Draft Jarvis walked across the stage at Radio City Music Hall holding Matt Barkley’s casket. He sat it down, awkwardly bro-hugged Commissioner Roger Goodell and went straight to Ohio to begin training.
One day during training camp Jones returned to the lockerroom after spending an extra three hours doing sprints with the coaching staff on his back only to hear a commotion near his locker and see players scrambling away from the casket of Matt Barkley. Jones heard giggling and investigated further. He opened to Casket to check on his former-nemesis only to find a note reading “HAHAHA! USCTROJANS!” and a box of Trojan-brand condoms. Jones scoured the room with his eyes quickly identifying the culprits. He then killed everyone in the room except for Mohammed Massoquoi, the former Georgia Bulldog.
Cleveland police heard about the incident but didn’t pursue further action as the Chief simply said, “LeBron left this town in shambles. Jarvis Jones is the hero this town deserves.”
In an unprecedented move Jones was then name the NFL’s first Player/General Manager. His first order of business: hire Todd Grantham as head coach. His second order of business: Operation Who Let The Dawgs In?
Over the next two weeks the Browns signed former University of Georgia legends Champ Bailey, Boss Bailey, Odell Thurman, Greg Blue, Thomas Davis, Mikey Henderson, Thomas Brown, Kregg Lumpkin, Danny Ware, Brannen Southerland, Shaun Chapas, Kris Durham, Martrez Milner and Aaron White. These players were either washed up or old and thus the perfect complement to rookie QB Joe Cox and Jarvis Jones’ former high school teammate Isaiah Crowell.
The Cleveland Browns went undefeated that season and won the Super Bowl. After that season people stopped using the term “I’m going to take the Browns to the Super Bowl” when referring to a need for a restroom.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Jarvis Jones changed the world.
That’s all I got/