Tiger Taming: A Malicious Countdown to the UGA / Mizzou Game


Last year I prepared for the Boise State game by posting one insult every day targeted at the Buckin Blue Broncos.  I’m not really the type to learn from my own mistakes (read: quit), so I’m going to do another countdown.

With no due respect, Buffalo is not worth a countdown.  I’ve decided to take on a new foe – Missouri.  You all know how I feel about conference expansion, so I figure if I can’t make the rules regarding who plays in the SEC, I might as well be a jerk to unwelcomed newbies. 
Here is the weekly countdown in reverse-chronological order.

Week 25 (September 2 – Gameday!!!!!!!!!)

As you’ve probably heard/read Missouri defensive tackle Sheldon Richardson gave his best attempt at talking trash this weekend saying the following about Georgia’s season-opener against Buffalo:

I watched that game. I turned it off, too. It’s like watching Big Ten football. It’s old-man football.

 

Such a statement is interesting for a number of reasons:

First and foremost, it’s not really a good idea to stop scouting your next opponent.  If I played for Missouri I would have started my statement with something along the lines of, “I watched that game.  Then I watched it again.  I’m about to watch it a third time to make sure I see everything.  And then, my coach is going to point out some things for me to look for when I watch it my fourth and fifth times.  I might watch it every day this week, especially since How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family and Revenge are still showing re-runs and this game is actually important unlike every other game in my program’s history.”

Secondly, it’s intriguing that he makes a reference to Big Ten football.  After all, the last time Missouri played a team that now resides in the Big Ten the Tigers lost by 14 points.  With that in mind, for once I don’t mind Georgia being compared to a Big Ten team.  Georgia may very well prove to be Big Ten-like on Saturday in Missouri.

Lastly, is “Old man football” really the best he can do?  Much, like Sheldon Richardson that insult is Honorable Mention at best.  Can you really expect much more from a guy who was Honorable Mention in last year’s Big 12 Conference – you know the conference with a total of one of the nation’s ten best teams?  But, he has now moved to a conference that boasted four of the top nine – so he’s only going to play better right?  After all, Sheldon did run his mouth after failing to register a single tackle-for-loss or sack against Southeastern Louisiana.  

But give Sheldon his due.  He is one of the SEC’s best players.  Wait, no he isn’t.  

I am a little nervous about Richardson and the ferocious Tiger defense.  Allowing 10 points against a team that registered three wins at the FCS (I-AA) level in 2011 (SE Louisiana) is a lot better than allowing 23 to an FBS (I-A) squad like Buffalo.  Actually, I just checked my sources, and no it’s not.  It’s worse.

Gosh I can’t wait for Georgia to take on 70,000 hostile Missourians.  It’s going to be like kicking off at a Tennessee game in Neyland Stadium…if the home team surprised the crowd and kicked off 30 minutes early while only 70% of the fans had entered the stadium’s gates.

In all seriousness, I think it’s adorable that Missouri’s trash talking defensive tackle is 82% as big as Georgia’s defensive tackles. 
I didn’t know they made DTs under 35o lbs, much less under 300!

 

Week 24 (August 26 – September 1)

Sometimes life is just too easy.  Today is one of those days.  I’ve been busy writing on topics that are more important than Missouri, and I kind of let this week’s insult slip.  Then YouTube gave me this little gift.  

YouTube Video

 

Not only is this song a total disaster and embarrassment to the SEC, but it is also the gift that keeps on giving thanks to the real SEC fans that just won’t stand for it.  High-points out of the comment sectioninclude:

 

  • “hey i just woke up, anybody know if these guys have been murdered yet?  trying to turn lemon into lemonade here.”
  • “As a Mizzou alum, I hope these guys are shot with a large caliber rifle before they embarrass the school again.”
  • “This is as classy as a pile of cow crap.  Even Adam Sandler would think this is trash.”
  • “As a Kansas fan, I have always been accused of acting superior.  Thank you for confirming it.”
  • “I POSTED THIS VIDEO ON MY FACEBOOK FEED TO RAISE AWARENESS FOR AUTISM.”
  • And my personal favorite…”They totally pinkeled this video.”
 
I hope so badly that at least one of these comments came from a DudeYouCrazy reader.
 

 

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Week 23 (August 19-25)

Missouri is pretty fired up about this freshman wideout with three names.  Dorial Green-Beckham is the savior of Missouri football and will lead them with tenacity into SEC play.  I see a number of problems with this – namely the fact that he’s a wide receiver.  Obviously you’d rather have a great WR than a crappy one, but the football still must be snapped, the QB still must drop back and the QB still must make an accurate pass before the talent of a great receiver is tangibly realized.  That’s a lot of “ifs” for a saving force.

To make matters worse, DGB may prove a bust.  Recruiting expert Tom Lemming says he’s the best college prospect he’s seen at wide receiver since Randy Moss.  Well how’d Randy work out for the teams that recruited him?  

Randy committed to Notre Dame before getting into some kind of race riot/fight and losing his scholarship.  He then enrolled at Florida State but had to sit out as a transfer.  While at Florida State he went on to serve a 30-day prison sentence through some type of softy “supervised, but not prison” program.  While enrolled in the program he was caught smoking weed and sentenced to 60 more days of real jail.  He was kicked off of FSU’s team.

So, if Lemming is right DGB is headed for trouble.

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Week 22 (August 12-18)

The oddities of Missouri’s football stadium have been well documented here.  But the hits just keep on coming.  Missouri made headlines this week for having to kick out  coeds who were running the stadium bleachers at Faurot Field – during practice.

Let’s break that down:

1.    People are allowed to enter the stadium while Missouri is practicing.  That doesn’t happen everywhere.  Most schools don’t even allow the media in for practices.  Georgia covers their practice facility with black tarps to keep people from looking in.

2.    People are allowed to exercise at the stadium during practice.  Even people who aren’t on the team.  Even young ladies just hoping to get in a few more bleacher runs.

3.    Those two women exercising were enough to distract players.

Sounds like these guys are definitely ready for SEC stadiums!

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Week 21 (August 5 – August 11)

I love the transitive property of football, as you loyal fans know.  With that in mind I decided to get transitive with Mizzou and focus on how much better the 2011 Georgia Bulldogs were when compared indirectly with the 2011 Missouri Tigers.

Missouri’s first loss of the 2011 season was a 7 point setback against the Arizona State Sun Devils.  Therefore, Mizzou = AZ State – 7.  AZ State later lost to Boise State by 32 points.  Accordingly, Mizzou = Boise State – 39.  And as demonstrated by last season’s embarrassing opener the Georgia Bulldogs = Boise State – 14.  In closing: Georgia was 25 points better than Missouri last year.

The Tigers’ second loss came at the hands of Oklahoma and resulted in a 10 point deficit.  Mizzou = OU – 10.  Oklahoma also beat Florida State by an even 10 points.  Therefore, Mizzou = Florida State.  FSU, however, lost to Clemson by a score of 35-30, so Mizzou = Clemson – 5.  Clemson in turn lost by 14 points to Georgia Tech, so Mizzou = GT – 19.  Georgia beat Georgia Tech by an additional 14 points.  Therefore, Georgia was 33 points better than Missouri last year.

Missouri’s third loss was by 7 points to Kansas State.  Mizzou = K-State – 7.  K-State lost to Arkansas in the Cotton Bowl by 13 points.  Therefore, Mizzou = Arkansas – 20.  Arkansas suffered a 24 point setback against LSU, so Mizzou = LSU – 44.  LSU was also better than Georgia – but only by 32 points as evidenced by the SEC Championship game.  Therefore, Georgia was 12 points better than Missouri in 2011.

Missouri’s fourth loss of the season was a 21 point loss to the Oklahoma State Cowboys.  Missouri = OK State – 21.  OK State defeaeted Tulsa by 26 points.  Therefore, Mizzou was 5 points better than Tulsa.  Tulsa lost to Boise State by 20 points which implies that Mizzou would have lost to Boise State by 15 points.  The Georgia Bulldogs only lost to BS U by 14.

Missouri’s final loss of the season came in the form of a three point defeat at the hands of RGIII and Baylor.  Baylor lost to Texas A&M by 27 points, therefore A&M was 30 points better than Mizzou.  That same A&M team lost to Arkansas by 4 points.  So, Mizzou = Arkansas – 34.  Arkansas beat Auburn by 24 points, so Auburn must have been 10 points better than Missouri in 2011.  Unfortunately for the Tigers from Missouri, the Tigers from Auburn lost to Georgia by 38 points.  So, Georgia was 48 points better than Missouri.

There you have it.  No matter how you look at it Georgia was better than Mizzou.  It’s math.

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Week 20 (July 29-August 4)

 

I’ve seen a number of SEC fans “pass out” at football games.  Typically this occurs after a long day of drinking non-hydrating fluids and during a hot early season game.  In Missouri, there is a different kind of “pass out.”  Or, at least there was.

Mizzou AD Mike Alden’s has a short list of hobbies: G.T.L.  Gym. Tan. Losing.

In the July 30th edition of Tiger Nation Quarterly, Mike Alden (Mizzou’s AD) makes it abundantly clear that there will no longer be any “pass outs” at games.  Here is the verbiage and insight into what a Missourian “Pass Out” looks like.

 

PASS OUTS

 – This is a reminder – there are no pass outs at our football games. For many years our fans have had the chance to enter the stadium for the start of the game, exit at some point and re-enter. That will not be possible for the 2012 season and going forward, per SEC rules. We know this will be an adjustment for some of you, and we appreciate your understanding.

 

Yes, you read that correctly.  Missouri fans – until very, very recently – used to leave games and then come back in.  To be fair, I have left my fair share of events and then come back into them. 

  • A few months back I went to a Chartered Financial Analyst conference in Miami (for what it’s worth the general consensus was that party hosted LeBron, D-Wade and Bosh after winning the Finals wasalmost as wild as our CFA Snack Reception).  There was one particularly boring seminar about money laundering.  I got up, left, and then returned to the conference when that portion was over.  In Missouri, I would have been “passing out.”
  • Sometimes on Sunday I leave the worship service at my church to go help collect the offering – but I always come back.  This is a double pass out – because not only am I leaving an event and then returning, but I’m also literally passing out the offering plates.
  • This past weekend I went to a wedding and at the reception I got a phone call from my wife who had driven separately and needed to put something in my car.  I left the reception, met her at my car, and then returned to the reception.  They allowed me to pass out.

I have never “passed out” of a football game that I had to pay money to get into.  Surely at some point I went to a Pop Warner game that did not require admission and then I came back in, but that doesn’t count.

Can we believe that any SEC school recently allowed fans to leave and come back in?  What is that?  Are Missouri fans upset now that they’re going to have to stay for the whole football game like big boys and girls?  I don’t get it? 

Seriously, Mizzou fan(s) help me out.  

 

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Week 19 (July 22-28)

 

Full disclosure I’m not a scientist.  I’m not even sure what branch of science would examine things like the impact of voices on total volume – but I’m going to say physics.  That being said, I have been working on a theory that says “More people cheering/screaming/booing/heckling = more noise.”  Now I think there may be some other variables involved – like the age of people, the physical structure in which these people are containted and maybe even the Coriolis effect, but overall I think I’m on to something.  

I have a serious concern regarding the picture below.  What bothers me is what you see at the far end of the field just past the endzone.  A grassy knoll so to speak.  Are these people grazing on grass?  If so, I’m not sure what kind of impact that will have on overall stadium noise.  There’s just not enough data to be conclusive on that.

Why is this stadium at least 20% farmland? Why?

 

 

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Week 18 (July 15-21)

Yesterday at SEC Media Days Missouri Coach and DUI-er extraordinaire Gary Pinkel was given this prompt:

 Talk about the tremendous atmosphere that playing at home in Memorial Stadium, you were 5-1 last year, and especially with new teams that you’re dealing with from the SEC coming to your campus for the first time. 

 Here is response accompanied by some due commentary from DudeYouCrazy.  His words are bold.

 We call our place ‘The Zoo.’

And I’m sure that has absolutely nothing to do with the ending of “Mizzou.”  Little did he know we call Sanford Stadium the “Jah,” Georgia likes to host games at the Jah.

 

It’s a great place to play college football.

Whoa, whoa, Gary calm down! Such a bold claim. Can you back a statement like that up?

 

First two games, Southeast Louisiana will be at night, but obviously the Georgia game will be also.

The fact that Southeast Louisiana garners a night game should concern every single proponent of Missouri’s existence in the SEC – and by that I mean Missouri fans.  I bet all those wild animals at the Zoo (see what I did there?) are going to be completely jacked up for that big-time, night-game caliber matchup.  How laughable is it that Missouri takes on the Southeastern Louisiana Lions at night?  Let’s put it this way: the website for Southeastern Louisiana’s athletic program ends in .net.  Who does that?

 

That’s kind of a whole new dimension I think in terms of playing in our stadium.

That’s new for who?  And new in what way?  Is that new for opponents?  Are you saying that Georgia hasn’t played a night game before?  Not every coach is off getting drunk and taking joyrides at night, Gary.  Some are coaching football after dark.  So is this a new experience for Missouri?  If so the Tigers are worse off than I thought.  So what do you mean by “new dimension?”  Are you asserting that Georgia is going to show up for something that is four dimensional?  Are you going to spray sweat on fans in the stands ala the 4D theater at the Georgia Aquarium?  What do you have up your sleeve?

The 4D Experience is really cool until it’s freezing outside.

Our fans, to say that they are excited about us being in the SEC would be a complete understatement.  They’ve become fanatical about it. It’s exciting to see. I think that says so much for the great respect nationally that the SEC has.

The SEC thanks you for the brown-nosing, but that giddy excitement will wear off even faster than your fans’ Budweiser tailgating buzz.  I’d say about halftime the SEC will look a little less welcome.  Also, for what it’s worth “fan” is short for “fanatic,” so when you say that your fans have become fanatical you are either being repetitive or your “fans” have been doing something wrong.

Indulge me: I wanted to find an approrpriate image for the word “fanatical” since I spent so much time harping on it.  
I did an image search for the word on Google and this came up.  So this must be what Missouri fans are like now!  Pinkel’s words; not mine.

But our fans are excited about it. We’re going to play some great teams that come in there.

Solid, informative statement.  Fans are excited about football.  Good teams will exist in the SEC.

 

In this league you have to play well every week, you got to finish games, you have to win games in the fourth quarter. We understand that.

Here’s the thing: I also understand that.  My co-workers understand that.  But that doesn’t mean we can abandon our desks and go out and play great football.  There is a gap between understanding and doing that I don’t think Pinkel understands.

 

We’re excited about playing on the road. I’ve always enjoyed that part of college football.

The key here is really the tense accompanying the verb “enjoy.”  In the past I’m sure he did enjoy playing on the road.  He won’t anymore. Ever.  Last year Missouri played five road games (Arizona State – not a sellout, Oklahoma, Kansas State – not a sellout, Texas A&M, Baylor – not a sellout) in front of an average crowd of 66,249 fans.  Missouri’s three new SEC road games this year (I’m excluding A&M as “new” and only counting UT, Florida and Carolina) should threaten an average attendance in excess of 94,000.

 

We’re excited about teams coming in and having them play us in The Zoo.

Other teams are also excited about coming to The Zoo.  That’s not a good thing for you, Pinkel.

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Week 17 (July 8-14)

Missouri is going to have a tough time playing football – even virtual football.  This year’s version of EA Sports NCAA Football was released on Tuesday and gave Missouri a surprisingly high overall rating of 89.  This is actually the highest rating in the SEc…behind LSU (99), Alabama (97), Georgia (97), Arkansas (95), South Carolina (95), Auburn (93), Texas A&M (93) and Florida (91).  So maybe I should have just said, this is the ninth best in the conference.  Now Missouri is in a nifty tie for 7th on the offensive side of the ball, but that is balanced by their equally nifty three way tie for 10th on defense.

So how should the Tigers do this season per EA Sports.  Well, based on rankings alone here is what you can expect:

Southeastern Louisiana (not ranked) Win

UGA (97)  Loss

Arizona State (84) Win

South Carolina (95) Loss

Central Florida (85) Win

Vanderbilt (77) Win

Alabama (97) Loss

Kentucky (83) Win

Florida (91) Loss

Tennessee (89) Loss – A tie in ratings goes to the home team, in this case, UT

Syracuse (81) Win

Texas A&M (93) Loss

 

So if all holds true Missouri could be headed for a 6-6 season and an impressive 2-6 SEC record.  I’m glad we added the Tigers!

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Week 16 (July 1 – 7)

The only thing Capital One does that is dumber than its Mascot Challenge – which is actually decided by a civil fan vote instead of a barbaric showdown between costumed freaks – is the Capital One Cup.  In a relatively arbitrary (yet consistent) manner the Capital One Cup assigns points for top-1o finishes in sports both for male and female athletic departments.  The cup has numerous shortcomings – namely its refusal to separate FBS and FCS schools (Georgia Southern competes against UGA for the same crown and gets rewarded for being “better” in football by the Cup’s arbitrary standards) and separating Men’s and Women’s sports (And not calling the women’s division the Capital One Athletic Bra rather than the Cup) even though both are run out of the same athletic department.

Nonetheless, the Cup gets a lot of attention mainly because athletic programs that many consider, shall I say, second-tier get like to boast about their high finishes.  For instance, while the respectable (and disdain-able) University of Florida department won the men’s division other schools in the top 25 include Arizona (what?), Kentucky (basketball, but what else?), Loyola-Maryland (ranked 10th!), North Dakota State (ranked 11th!!!!!), Charlotte (not talking pro sports here, we’re talking the former UNC-Charlotte turned Charlotte) and Sam Houston State (not a state).

 The cup does, at the very least, recognize to some degree, however a top-10 finish in any sport.  Which, apparently Missouri failed to achieve…in men’s sports…and in women’s sports. 101 Men’s programs and 97 women’s programs scored points.  Missouri is not on either list. 

While I don’t think the Capital One Cup is truly accurate in ranking athletic programs, there is something very bad to be said for a school who fails to finish in the top 10 in ALL of the following sports:

Men: Cross Country, Water Polo, Skiing, Rifle, Indoor Track & Field, Wrestling, Fencing, Swimming & Diving, Ice Hockey, Gymnastics, Volleyball, Tennis, Golf, Soccer, Football, Basketball, Lacrosse, Outdoor Track & Field, Baseball

Women: Field Hockey, Cross Country, Skiing, Rifle, Indoor Track & Field, Swimming & Diving, Ice Hockey, Fencing, Bowling, Gymnastics, Water Polo, Tennis, Golf, Rowing, Soccer, Volleyball, Basketball, Lacrosse, Softball, Outdoor Track & Field.

Frankly that is more total sports than I feel like counting.  The fact that Missouri didn’t finish in the top-10 of any of them is an embarrassment to the school and now to the SEC. Damn.

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Week 15 (June 24 – 30)

Remember how I talked about Missouri and their failing business of an athletic department?  Well here is another winner from the Missouri School of Bad Business.

Having never boasted an attendance average in excess of 95% of Memorial Stadium’s capacity, Mizzou has announced a $72 million renovation project expanding the stadium to 77,000 seats.  We’ve all had a long day of work, reading arrest reports and waiting for the weekend so I’ll be brief and point out a few flaws:

1.    To repeat: Memorial Stadium seats 68,349 people.  Missouri has never had an attendance average higher than 64,520…so they want to expand.

2.    They want to expand drastically! By 8,651 seats.  They can’t sell out 68,000 seasts, but they think 77,000 can be done.

3.    This must be an ego thing right?  After all Missouri’s stadium is currently 10th in the SEC.  Maybe so, but if it is it’s a huge failure.  A 77,000 seat stadium would barely nudge the Tigers up to 9th place and here’s the kicker…

4.    Arkansas has already planned a stadium expansion to add 5-8,000 seats.  So Missouri won’t even surpass that.

 

Well played Missouri.  Well played.

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Week 14 (June 17-23)

Believe it or not, blogging does not pay my bills.  In fact, it is my day job working for an investment advisory firm that sustains my million-dollar lifestyle.  Accordingly, when I’m not watching, talking about or blogging about sports I occasionally take an interest in finance, spreadsheets and money figures.

What I’m about to talk about is really, really sophisticated stuff but I will try to break it down nice and easy for those who aren’t money-minded.  Are you ready?  Try to wrap your mind around this: A profitable business earns more money than it spends. 

The new and unimproved SEC will feature 14 unique athletic departments.  For the sake of enlightenment: let’s work on the crazy assumption that each of these athletic programs is in fact a business designed to somehow pull a profit.  With that in mind, thirteen of those businesses were profitable according to the most recent data I could find (USA Today’s Equity in Athletics Analysis for the 2010-2011 academic school year); one was not profitable.

Missouri was the failing business.


Excluding Missouri, SEC Athletic Programs profited by an average of $8,800,000 in 2010-2011.  Missouri lost $100,000.  On average 13 SEC schools earned almost $1.11 for each dollar spent on athletics.  Missouri lost a few cents on each dollar.  Where I come from, it is better to make money than to lose money.  In other words: it is better to be Alabama, Florida, LSU, Arkansas, Georgia, Texas A&M, Mississippi State, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, South Carolina, Kentucky or Ole Miss than to be Missouri.

So, where is this disparity coming from?  Well to cut to the chase: Missouri is not generating revenue.  Missouri’s total revenue figure of $64.1 million only surpasses the amounts garnered by cellar dwellers like Mississippi State, Vanderbilt and Ole Miss.


While plenty of jokes are applicable to the athletic departments housed in Starkville, Nashville and Oxford, you cannot joke about the lack of profitability of Miss State, Vandy and Ole Miss.  You can, however, mock the bleeding budget of Missouri; and I encourage you to do so.  In fact, here are a few examples you could use:

  • Question: What’s the difference between Missouri’s Athletic Department and Greece?  Answer: No, seriously.  What’s the difference?
  • I’m unemployed, but at least I’m not losing money like Missouri.  Am I right?
  • Or even a generic “You can’t spell Missouri without I O U.”
 

So, does it take money to make money?  Is Missouri just dealing with too miniscule of a budget?  Possibly.  But, Ole Miss spent nearly $15 million less than Mizzou and turned a $2.1 million profit.  Vanderbilt spent $8.5 million fewer and profited to the tune of $5.7 million.  Mississippi State came in with a budget more than $5 million lower than Missouri’s and profits of $7.4 million in 2010-2011.


Furthermore, the six schools who raked in an above average amount of profit ranked 1st, 2nd, 5th, 7th, 9th and 10th in spending so no direct correlation between money spent and money earned can be found.  And, of the eight programs with an above average profit-to-expenditure ratio, four ranked in the bottom half of the SEC in Athletic Expenses.

So why is Missouri’s athletic business so poor?  I can’t say for sure, but I can say that it must suck to be the one financial loser in the entire conference.  One out of 14 – that’s pretty bad odds. 

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Week 13 (June 10 – 16)

Last week in Atlanta there was a big party celebrating Missouri and Texas A&M and their entrance to the new (talent diluted) SEC.  This goes without saying, but there were only two teams celebrating this move: Missouri and Texas A&M.  Accordingly, this party was sold by SEC Commissioner Mike Slive as something that the whole conference wanted to do, but in reality it was just a pre-emptive strike to keep two historically average-to-mediocre programs from getting their feelings hurt during the first year, bailing on the conference and thus making said commissioner look like an idiot.  

Now when both schools suffer losing seasons in the revenue earning sport (football, not softball), Slive can say, “No, no, no guys.  We really like you and think you’re just swell.  Remember that party we threw for you?  It’s not you, it’s us! Please stay.”

I could end this post by referencing the last pre-emptive party and its yet to be fulfilled success, but I’ll just post that video and keep going.

YouTube Video

 

Missouri coach Gary Pinkel proved that he was clearly ignorant to the party’s true purpose by saying in part, “I understand everyone is going to want to watch how A&M and Missouri do…” 

Oh, Gary Pinkel, the man with more Driving While Intoxicated citations than BCS Bowl appearances.  Gary must have been on a real bender last week at this party and if anything says “not SEC material” it’s not being able to hold your liquor.  Poor guy mistook the fact that nobody is going to want to watch how Mizzou and A&M do with the notion that “everyone” is going to.  

Pinkel was arrested (video, amazingly below), after “two glasses of wine” when he could not recite the alphabet from E to R and refused to even attempt counting down from 73 to 62, saying, “I can’t do that when I’m sober!”  And yet, his quote about people actually caring about Missouri in SEC country might be the dumbest thing he’s ever said.

YouTube Video

 

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Week 12 (June 3 – 9)

Lost in the last post was the fact that Missouri is still merely upgrading artificial playing surfaces.  You know how many other SEC teams have artificial playing surfaces? Zero.  That’s right, the same number as valid arguments for Missouri joining the SEC.  None. 

Common logic says that artificial turf is great for locations that can’t grow grass, such as deserts or areas that do not get sufficient sun light.  Missouri fits neither of these bills.  Turf can also be used as a long-term cost-effective alternative to irrigation and watering costs.  So basically, Missouri is cheap.  Cool.

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Week 11 (May 27 – June 2)
 
In 2004 my high school began installation of a turf playing surface for it’s stadium field as well as a full-sized practice field.  Missouri is almost complete with it’s own installation of such a playing surface, a mere 8 years later.  
 
Perhaps this timeline will help you better understand just how progressive Mizzou is.

2004 – McEachern High School in Powder Springs, GA starts to get their turf on.

2005 – Hurricane Katrina

2006 – DudeYouCrazy graduates from high school.

2007 – Anna Nicole Smith Dies

2008 – Young Jeezy releases “My President is Black” single.

2009 – Missouri still doesn’t have the newest kind of turf.

2010 – AJ Green sells his jersey, DudeYouCrazy praises his entrepreneurial spirit.

2011 – The SEC collectively gets drunk, sleeps with and establishes relationships with parties it will regret (Mizzou, A&M)

2012 – Missouri closes in on completion of new turf that will rival that of McEachern High School.

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Week 10 (May 20 – 26)
 
 
A.  School’s biggest sports blog
B. Featured an entire dedicated page to a Softball Game.
C. What the hell?
 
This page got 257 comments.  For comparison’s sake the same blog ran a photo caption contest with a football-related photograph and it generated 18 comments.  Wow.
 
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Week 9 (May 13 – 19)
 
People hate living in Missouri.  Missouri boasts the nation’s 28th highest population density at 87 inhabitants per square miles.  You might picture Georgia as a rural state but travel a square mile and you’ll run across an average of 169.5 people.  In short: almost twice as many people would prefer to share the same amount of space in Georgia than have to live in Missouri.  It’s fact.
 
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Week 8 (May 6 – 12)
 
If you knew nothing about animals or geography, you might think that Missouri elected the mascot “Tigers” because of a prevalence of jungle cats in the state.  You would be wrong.  A college football fan might also assume the nickname was given to signal a lack of creativity as 28 other colleges boast the same mascot.  Again, you would be wrong.
 
Missouri football actually derived the nickname out of fear.  A history of Missouri football found here explains the origin using the phrase “Columbia people constantly feared an attack.”  To be fair, there is more to the story and it dates back to the Civil War, but should fear really inspire the name for a football team.  Let’s take similar circumstances in the great state of Georgia and evaluate further.  
 
In short: Missouri had a group of folks name the “Tigers” that fought of attacks from raiders and defended people who were constantly “fearing” an attack.  In honor of those Tigers who defended the town of Columbia from attacks that actually never happened, the University chose to make “Tigers” their official mascot.  
 
Now, during the same era world-class loser William Sherman marched through the state of Georgia and burned copious amounts of perfectly good property to the ground.  Understandably, many Georgians would dislike and possibly even fear fire.  And yet, the University of Georgia does not suit up and play every Saturday under the moniker “Fighting Fire Hydrants.”  I do not cheer for the University of Georgia Flame Retardants.  
 
Naming a team after something that defended your state against something citizens were afraid of in the mid 19th Century is just plain stupid.
 
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Week 7 (April 29-May 5)
 
Many of you are probably looking forward to celebrating Cinco de Mayo this Saturday.  With 16.5% of our nation’s population coming from Hispanic or Latino heritage, it is not surprising to see much hoopla surrounding the Holiday and the beers and cocktails brought to the United States by our neighbors to the south.
 
Don’t expect much celebrating in Missouri.  The state has a meager 3.5% population hailing from Hispanic or Latino nations.  In other words, Missouri hates Cinco de Mayo and anyone who celebrates the day with a margarita.
 
The Governor of Missouri.
 
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Week 6 (April 22-28)
 
There is something to be said for a man who knows what he wants.  Over the course of respectable human history few heroes are defined by their inability to make a decision.  The truly great are not characterized by their non-committal nature.
 
Missouri, as a football program, therefore is neither heroic or great.  Missouri has played in more overtime games than any team in college football history.  This may in fact be useless trivia, but the fact remains that if you are looking for a team to make a quick decision under pressure do not look at Missouri. 
 
In short: more often than any other team in the history of college football Missouri has failed to decide on winning or losing in the standard allotted time for a football game.  
 
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Week 5 (April 15-21)

ESPN had the following to say about Missouri’s spring game:

The most anticipated moment from Missouri’s spring game last Saturday was the unveiling of the Tigers’ new Nike uniforms. 

So while Georgia fans were visiting Sanford Stadium on Saturday to get another look at Todd Grantham’s hailed defense, study the new offensive line and catch a glimpse of Isaiah Crowell’s new commitment to maturity, Mizzou fans were showing up for a good old-fashioned fashion show!  After all the atrocity shown here was the “most anticipated moment.”

 
SEC = Stylish, Exciting Costumes…at least in Missouri.
 
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Week 4 (April 8-14)

You can always count on a starting quarterback’s popularity.  Unless, of course, you are speaking about Missouri’s starting quarterback, James Franklin.

Perhaps Missouri’s age-old tradition of Shirts vs. Skins football practice is hurting James Franklin’s popularity.

Franklin, like Aaron Murray, is a heading into his junior season and hoping to build on a banner sophomore season.  While Franklin threw for fewer yards and 14 fewer TD passes en route to a lower QB rating than Murray, his 981 years rushing and 15 rushing TDs seem to imply a certain degree of competency.  Furthermore, that competency from the QB position tends to imply a certain degree of notoriety.

And yet, when I go to Wikipedia, five other James Franklin’s show up prior to the Missouri signal-caller.  The list of JF’s is lead by Ben Franklin’s older brother who is best known for getting totally shown up by his baby bro.  We then can learn about James Franklin the naturalist, James Franklin the artist and James Franklin the philosopher.  We finally can educate ourselves on James Franklin the idiot Vanderbilt football coach before arriving at James Franklin the American football quarterback.

Needless to say: The Mizzou QB has his work cut out for him if he wants to take home the SEC’s coveted Most Annoying James Franklin Award.

I’m not sure how I could cheer for an unpopular quarterback.  That’s almost like cheering for Missouri in the SEC.  Oh wait…

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Week 3 (April 1-7)

WeAreMizzou.com is a notable website for many reasons, not the least of which is the obvious misspelling of Missouri.  Another highpoint of the site is the inspirational video on the landing page that is placed over what I’m assuming are the words “Mizzou Football.”  I have to assume here because all it really reads is “MU FOLL.”  So, I guess it might actually say a variety of things…unlike Marcus Murphy.

Murphy was mic’d up at a recent practice and We Are Mizzou and offered arguably the least intriguing mic’d up session in the history of mic’d up-ness.

YouTube Video

Here is my best attempt at deciphering all of his dialogue:

·        0:09 Yeah go southern boooy.

·        0:25 Let’s go!

·        0:45 Yeeaaah…Yeaaho…That was a good one.

·        1:05  We live.  We the greatest.

I can only assume ridiculous statements like the last one are why We Are Mizzou couldn’t find more relevant material.  That or Marcus Murphy is the least interesting man in the world.

I think that my verbal commentary while watching a video of this guy practicing was more entertaining than the video itself.  Leave it to Missouri football to make the first boring mid’d up video known to man.

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Week 2 (March 25-31)

If you don’t like to read I’m going to make it easy on you this week.

Missouri has never beaten Georgia.  There you have it.  No other SEC team is winless against Georgia.  Missouri is.

I bet that 1960 shutout in the Orange Bowl still stings a little bit, doesn’t it Missouri?

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Week 1 (March 18-24):

In eighth grade I had a literature teacher that lived at home with her 12 cats.  She enjoyed reading Harry Potter novels before they were cool; you know, way back when they were just about magic and mystery and not polluted by popularity.  She taught me one very important writing technique that she called “The Funnel.”  The Funnel was a writer’s saving grace when he didn’t know what on earth he was talking about.  The Funnel demanded that a writer start writing at a very broad level (about something he did know about, something painfully obvious and general) and slowly narrow the focus (while building credibility and momentum) until he got to the actual topic at hand – typically a topic that was still very much unknown.  The Funnel was especially useful on timed essays and helped me out on numerous timed writing assignments including the SAT. 

More details as well as a graphic representation of The Funnel can be found below.

On these timed assignments I brought my own flair in the form of one word.  Microcosm.  I would write, write, write, write, write until I noticed that I had two or three minutes left on the assignment and then throw in a sentence that identified the assigned topic as a microcosm of the world.  I would then start to write a sentence that related back to the opening material (the stuff I did know) and how it related to the microcosm.  Still confused? check this out.

Let’s say I was given the following topic: Describe the importance of the impressionist art movement in the 1870s.

I know nothing about the impressionist art movement, little about the 1870s and a thimble-full about art in general.  But you know what I do know about?  People.  And you know what people combine to form?  Society.  And guess what is important to society?  Culture.  And do you know what is reflected by culture?  Art.  And I know that the 1870s featured an impressionist movement (because the topic tells me so), so if I can plan for ten minutes before spending ten minutes defining “people” and discussing “society”, I can then make my way to “culture” for five minutes before spending three minutes on “art.”  Then I can wrap up a 30 minute writing assignment by saying, “With full credit to the impact of culture on art as a whole, to say that the impressionist movement was a byproduct of the people of the 1870s is to do a disservice to the art itself.  Rather, the impressionist art movement of the 1870s served as a microcosm of that epoch as a whole.” I can then slam my pencil down in disgust as the teacher calls “time.”

The point of my current seemingly unnecessary narrative, however, is not to waste time and look preoccupied the way I would during an essay, but rather to explain what my original plan was for attacking Missouri.  I basically wanted to start at the top – the high point for Mizzou – and work my way down.  If I were called upon to explain UGA football and the current culture surrounding it I would be remiss to lead with anything other than Herschel Walker or the 1980 National Championship and fans’ expectation (misplaced or otherwise) for that type of performance.

But you know what’s hard about starting with a broad, systematic but definitive moment in Missouri football’s history?  There isn’t one! That is where this week’s insult lies. 

The photo above shows all the cool things Missouri has done as a football program.  Wait, you don’t see it?  There’s nothing there? 

There is no top for Mizzou.  Missouri has never been first.  Sure they have been ranked number one – for a combined total of two weeks in the program’s history (one week in 1960 and one week in 2007), but Missouri Tigers really haven’t won anything of consequence.  They have no National Championship season. The Tigers haven’t even won their own conference since 1969 – and that was only after a player from Kansas was retroactively ruled ineligible. 

Don’t look for too much glory in the Bowl department either.  While the Tigers have appeared in modern day BCS Bowl games seven times the Tigers are 2-5 in these games and have not made such an appearance since 1972.  More recently the Tigers have been staples of the Independence Bowl and the Insight Bowl (Five appearances in these two Bowls since 1998, 3-2 record).he

Individually speaking, Mizzou claims four major award winners.  Don Fauot won the Amos Alonzo Stagg Award (an award that goes for “Contributions to Football” and can be won by any entity associated with football) in 1964.  Warren Powers won the Walter Camp Coach of the Year Award back in 1978 when the award apparently did not go to the nation’s best coach (the Tigers were 8-4 that season).  Brock Olivo won the Mosi Tatupu Award for special teams in 1997, and Chase Coffman took home the John Mackey tight end award in 2008.

Missouri’s Heisman Trophy winners pose with the trophy.

The Funnel approach to Mizzou is rendered “not applicable” because there is no broad, overwhelming, known “good.”  When Georgia welcomes Missouri to the SEC on September 8th, the Dawgs will be squaring off against a program that literally has no top end.  Why are the Tigers even playing this game?  I just don’t get it.
That’s all I got/
Andrew

About dudeyoucrazy

College Football Writer

Posted on September 3, 2012, in Blog, Georgia Bulldogs, SEC and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

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