Author Archives: tardawg1014
Don’t look at this as me mailing it in, look at this as me giving you a fairly precise idea of how the league stacks up.
1) SEC West: 17-1, with one inevitable Arkansas loss because they don’t do ties in college football anymore. There are five (5) FIVE! West teams in the top 10 of this week’s poll. That ish cray. As ‘challenger to the SEC throne’, the Pac-12 has five teams ranked in the top 25, and #6 (Washington) comes in at 38. Hell, Arkansas is dead last in the division and comes in at 41. The Big XII boasts 4 total teams, the B1G somehow has 3, and the ACC has 2 thanks to UNC dropping after a convincing win over ‘bye’ and Virginia Tech losing to directional Carolina.
2) SEC East: 12-4, because Vanderbilt no longer counts. 0-1 vs. the SEC West, 2-2 versus itself, o-1 versus Oklahoma. But HEY, FLORIDA BEAT EASTERN MICHIGAN!
101) Vanderbilt: Falling out of the top 100 in a measure that (at most) covers 14 teams is an impressive feat, but the ‘Dores done did it in a game that only counts as a win on the scoreboard.
Giving you the business,
Georgia is now the lovable underdog, according to Michael Weinreb of Rolling Stone.
In one of the biggest kicks in the nuts I’ve ever read, Good Grief: Mark Richt is College Football’s Charlie Brown pretty much sums up the Georgia fan experience of recent years: close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
There is no doubt you’re a good man, Mark Richt, but in a profession as nasty as this one, and in a conference as relentlessly vicious as the SEC, I’m not sure that’s much of an asset.
This whole thing is just gut-wrenching to read, and could easily have been written by our Jason Smith in one of his bouts of Georgia-related depression.
If you haven’t read it yet, I’ll warn you: love hurts.
I’m going to try something new today. For each timeslot that exists on the college football schedule, I’ll rank the games and tell you why you should be watching. After thorough (having a beer with lunch and reflecting on my writing habits) introspection, I realized that my viewing guides have previously only served the purpose of making fun of Notre Dame’s irrelevance, pointing out the obvious “you should watch Alabama/LSU at 8pm”, and making fun of weird matchups and bad timeslots.
Also, this is publishing Friday this week, because I can’t in good conscience recommend Houston/BYU on the one occasion that I am aggressively going NFL over college. #BallSoHardUniversity is on, and he HATES the Steelers.
DudeYouCrazy.net: always looking forward.
Friday Night Because Nothing is Sacred
1. #8 Baylor at Buffalo, ESPN. I picked Baylor to cover a 36 point spread on the road., so yes, I will contribute eyeballs to tonight’s massacre.
2. Toledo at Cincinnati, ESPNU. How has Cincinnati not played a game yet? Damn you, Tubberville shenanigans.
Noon, Where There Are Actually Potentially Compelling-ish Games
1. UCF at #20 Missouri, SEC Network: For the second straight week, Missouri plays a good (albeit Bortles-less) non-power-5 team . I mean, UCF won the daggum Fiesta Bowl last year. We’re learning more about Missouri than most SEC teams with their bizarre nonconference schedule.
2. East Carolina at #17 Virginia Tech, ESPN: If I know Virginia Tech, it is just like them to lay an egg after a big and impressive win. Seen them do it against these very Pirates before. Probably my personal choice for the noon slate due to 100% UNC-related reasons.
3. West Virginia at Maryland, BTN: The ‘two most dispicable fanbases outside West Raleigh’ Bowl, now with Francis Scott Key being honored!
And this follow-up:
Who’s destroyed college uniforms more: Under Armour or adidas? So hard to chose…
— LostLettermen.com (@LostLettermen) September 11, 2014
T4. UMass at Vandy, Georgia Southern at Georgia Tech (ESPN3 for each): This is everything.
Also, go Eagles. Eff Tech.
If you have the Pac-12 Network, #2 Oregon hosts Wyoming in a bloodbath at 2. It doesn’t fit my templated timeslots, so, moving on…
3:30, Where NOBODY Wants to Compete with Georgia/Little Carolina
1. Duh. CBS. UNCLE VERNE BACK, Y’ALL!
2. More like 200, but hey. Arkansas State visits Miami (ESPNU) and I’ve got the ‘Canes on upset alert.
200a. Arkansas at Texas Tech. What will you learn us about your program, Bret Bieliema?
Seriously though, there is NOTHING worth watching in this timeslot outside of the big one.
Freaks Schadenfruede Come Out At Night
Tired of the annual ‘is Tennessee back’ questions of mid-September? Love watching Texas’ misery? (To be fair, their combined starts on the O-line doubled from 4 to 9 on the first snap against BYU.) This night slate is for you.
1. #12 UCLA at Texas 8pm on FOX. I really want to see this one to figure out UCLA more than to laugh at Texas. The Bruins have beaten Virginia and Memphis by a combined 15 points thus far. NOT GOOD. Texas is a potential cure-all for what ails you.
2. Tennessee at #4 Oklahoma 8 on ABC. Justin Worley is NOT, in fact, that dude, and Tennessee fans get to learn that the hard way.
3. Kentucky at Florida 7:30 on the SEC Network. Somehow, this game validates the winner as a contender. Even Kentucky. SEC bias is annoying sometimes.
4. Continuing to throw dirt on the B1G. Penn State visits Rutgahs at 8 on BTN as the league’s great white hope, and they’re gonna lose. Inexplicably still-ranked-by-the-coaches Nebraska visits Fresno State in a late-nighter on CBS Sports Network, and again. BURY THE B1G!
Thanks, Oregon’s late surge, Stanford’s inability to score inside the 40 yard line (where they ventured 9 times for a total of 10 points), and four Maryland fumbles. You could’ve all saved me a little credibility after a 1-3 disaster in week 1, but here we sit at 3-6 as unbearable summer temperatures started to give way to reasonable 70’s days in Atlanta today.
1) Baylor (-35) at Buffalo: Seriously? A Buffalo team that squeaked by Duquense and lost to Army faces a team that hung 70 points with their backup QB. O/U is 67 1/2, which Baylor should get by itself. Line opened at Baylor -27.5, so I’m slightly leery of the action on it, but…hey.
2) Boise State (-16) at UConn: Boise is still a strong MWC program, even if the bloom is a little off the rose. Connecticut is a BAD AAC program which almost lost to Stony Brook. Yeah.
Seriously, an image search for something UConn-football-related-funny returns ZERO pictures of UConn football. Is this game even going to take place?
3) Louisville (-6.5) at Virginia: I realize I have a veritable ton of road favorites thus far, but this one makes sense. UVA is still a deplorable football team, even with the close loss to UCLA. UCLA is a heinously overrated team, given their close wins over UVA and Memphis. Louisville has Bobby Petrino, who still gives zero f***s. And Scott Stadium at noon is not an intimidating atmosphere.
4) Georgia over South Carolina (+5.5): Not gonna lie, I can’t believe this line given Georgia’s history of not scoring or covering in Columbia. The line opened at Georgia -1, so there’s heavy action on the Dawgs. I’m not comfortable with that.
5) Stanford (-28) over Army: Just…come on. A pissed-off Stanford team at home playing a service academy not named Navy. Poor Army.
The empirical evidence of having all of these teams play at least once (outside of Buffalo and Army) helps my confidence in these picks a little bit, although freak things (see the first sentence) happen. This is why I don’t bet until October at least.
If you’re looking for a bonus, we can go straight to Austin, TX, where the Longhorns probably won’t get it turned around. UCLA -7.5 is probably a better bet than most referenced above.
LAST WEEK: 2-3 SEASON: 3-6. Ugh.
Dear South Carolina fans,
With the South Carolina-Georgia game on the horizon, I’m here to represent the Bulldogs. While trash talk can be good-natured and fun, facts can be cruel. We’re going to deal in facts.
In objective journalistic fashion, I’ll start with two things I like about you: Your gas prices and the greatest college football prank ever pulled.
To be clear, that is all there is to like about South Carolina and Columbia.
Let’s start with South Carolina’s lack of identity. Dabo Swinney, beat him as soundly as you may, was irrefutably correct when saying that Carolina was in Chapel Hill and USC was in California. Hey, if I had to identify with the state of South Carolina, I would have an identity crisis myself. Do remember, your’s is a state best-known for Myrtle Beach, a place that makes Panama City look like a quaint Mediterranean villa by comparison. So your next coping mechanism is to shroud yourself in “S-E-C!” chants. This is funny to me for two reasons:
1) When the conference expanded to 12 teams, you were the third choice (behind Florida State and Miami) for inclusion among Eastern teams! Said another way, you were the last moderately viable choice.
2) You have never won the SEC. You came close once, if 39-point losses qualify as close.
The phrase “act like you’ve been there before” would apply to your fanbase, but the fact is … you haven’t been there before. It’s fitting that you won the ACC title in 1969, given that man walked on the moon the same year. As with the moon landing, it could be fake and nobody knows for certain that it happened. The mighty Gamecocks went 6-0 against an otherwise hapless conference and 1-4 in their other games, with a 14-3 Peach Bowl loss to West Virginia the closest among those four.
South Carolina’s first bowl win came in 1995. A full half of your bowl appearances (19 in total) have come since 2001 in an era where you only have to win six games (out of 12) to get to one. You even screwed that up one year with the Clemson brawl in 2004.
As for recent history, South Carolina’s success under Steve Spurrier is commendable. He was the man to finally get the program over .500 all-time even though it’s still under.500 against the ACC, Big 10, Big XII, SEC, and get this: the Big East/AAC. South Carolina’s 1-1 against the Pac-12, so…congrats. You’ve played Sandstorm before kickoffs since 2006, even though it hit the airwaves in 2000 and was played out by 2004. Unfortunately, this correlates directly with your program’s success.
You play Georgia this week. The fact that the Ol’ Ball Coach recently won three in a row against the Dawgs should make you feel good, but those triumphs raised your win percentage against Georgia to a notch below 26 percent all-time.
I’d say “good luck,” but historical precedent is clearly not on your side. Your best bet is to remain the rudest and least successful fans in the SEC and to do so from your concrete-and-abandoned-warehouse Detroit Jr. of a city you call home.
(This is from the original post last year) However, if you do show up, you’ll notice a couple of things unfamiliar to your university:
1) Grass: A herbacious plant with narrow leaves growing from the base, normally the ground. We have it on our campus.
2) Class: Instead of waving a white towel (international signal for surrender, but I bet you knew that) and yelling GO COCKS in response to everything you say, we’ll actually try to engage you in conversation at the University of Georgia.
3) We do have a robust bar scene with more than 70 watering holes within one mile of the stadium. Enjoy your time in an actual, honest-to-goodness, college town while you’re here.