Breaking Down the Heisman Candidates: It’s About to get Ugly
As promised, today I’m going to break down the candidates for the Heisman Trophy. I’ll use ESPN’s Heisman Watch order as a guide.
- The first thing I’ll point out about Manziel is not his butt. It’s his wallet. That’s where he hides his fake I.D. for when he gets into fights. You won’t find Johnny Football’s drivers license there but you will find one belonging to Donny Hockey.
- Pink represents breast cancer awareness. Johnny’s ankles are very aware of breast cancer.
- Some wonder why Johnny is so gutty on the field. The answer lies in his gut. It is jam packed with the best cheap beer football can buy in College Station.
- This is Johnny’s arm cannon. It has thrown for over 3400 yards this year – over half of which came against five really good teams: SMU (118th ranked D in the nation), Arkansas (75th), Louisiana Tech (112th), Sam Houston State (FCS) and Missouri (68th).
- These are Johnny’s money-makin’ legs. Even though he is supposed to throw the ball, Johnny has run for almost 1200 yards! All of which came against Alabama.
- This is Johnny’s head. What’s going on up there? We’re not sure, but we hope it’s an audio track of Cam Newton’s Heisman speech.
- This is Johnny’s hug. It is a warm embrace – unless you’re a defender or the guy he got into a fist fight with this summer or the cops (but who wants to mention that?).
- This is Manti Te’o’s head. It is trying to properly understand how to incorporate two apostrophes in the possessive proper noun “Te’o’s” without it looking like gibberish.
- This is Manti’s jersey number, 5. This must be why he is a Heisman Trophy candidate. His defensive statistics are good – but not noteworthy by any stretch in and of themselves. So he must be on the list because analysts confuse him with Notre Dame’s other player wearing Jersey number 5, quarterback Everett Golson. Admittedly if Manti combined his real statline with 16 offensive TDs, I’d be impressed.
- These are Manti’s legs. They are too light in color to be deemed traditionally fast and thus he was not heavily recruited in the SEC (only Tennessee offered him).
- This is Manti’s arm tattoo. It guarantees that if football doesn’t work out he can always get a job at an island resort or at a Hollister store.
- These are Collin Klein’s legs. They are 66% as effective as Johnny Manziel at attaining rushing yards.
- This is Collin Klein’s throwing arm. It is 67% as effective as Johnny Manziel at attaining passing yards.
- This is Collin’s scared face as he realizes he is only 2/3 of the player Johnny Manziel is and thus only 2/3 of the street fighter Donny Hockey is.
- This is Collin Klein running like a punter and still picking up yards because Big 12 defenses don’t play defense.
- This is Braxton’s tattoo. He got it for free. Well, not for free. There’s no such thing as a tattoo. Not even in Columbus, Ohio. He had to do a lot to get the tattoo. He had to write his name. In cursive. Or at least write his initials and follow them with squiggly lines.
- This is Braxton’s jersey number. It reminds people that he is not Terrell Pryor. Terrelle Pryor was number 2. 2 looks like a 5 in the mirror. But Braxton doesn’t mirror Pryor’s playing style – he’s the opposite. Right, Buckeye fans? Right? He’s nothing like Terrelle.
- This is Braxton’s throwing arm. It has thrown for over 2000 yards and over 200 yards in four games! He is a real quarterback! Not like that Pryor guy.
- This is Braxton’s hip towel. Shakira’s hips don’t lie and neither do Braxton’s. They are very breast cancer aware.
- This is Marquis’s determination. It has resulted in him being the second leading receiver in the nation. And since the guy with more yards than him plays at Baylore Lee gets the love, because nobody from Baylor could win a Heisman.
- These are Marquis’s hands. They have caught 14 TD passes which ranks third in the nation behind a dude from West Virginia (21) and a dude from Clemson (17). But, since Marquis plays for the preseason favorite who has lived up to the hype by winning seven football games he is a Heisman candidate.
- These are Marquis’s legs. They are fast. How fast? Fast enough to garner Marquise 15.0 yards per catch. How good is that? It’s 91st in the nation.
- These are Marquise’s opposition. They give up 20% more points than SEC defenses. So he’s playing elite teams.
Be Sure to Read this Coverage of Conference Championship Week as well:
- Weekly Recap
- SEC Coaching Carousel
- Manti Te’O would be a backup for Jarvis Jones and Alec Ogletree
- Data Dump: White and Nerdy Statistical Analysis on the SEC and the BCS Top 3
- Georgia’s Defense vs. Alabama’s Offense: Stopping the Tide Rush the Key to Georgia Victory
That’s all I got/