News Fabrication: The Freshman Fantasy Draft


As is clear with Andrew’s extended absence*, mine and Daniel’s extensive posts and pods about the NBA Playoffs, and Jason’s breakdown of the SEC Network videos, it’s a slow period for football news. If we were an Alabama or Auburn site, we could Roll Tide and War Eagle our way through Spring Game crowd comparisons, or talk about how our walk-on 6th string left guard could start for 9 SEC teams.

* Andrew is very busy and sends his regards, I think.

While we’re not in the business of turning BS into breaking news (that’s why you watch ESPN), I figured I would fabricate some news, courtesy of the staff of SBNation.com. Some of their esteemed football writers have too much free time on their hands had a fantasy draft for incoming freshmen, and I thought it would be fun to see where Georgia’s signees were picked.

http://www.sbnation.com/college-football-recruiting/2014/4/23/5643272/2014-best-college-football-freshmen

Team 1: Bud Elliott, SBNation: No Dawgs. He’s hated us for years. With two Bammers, two (LSU, duh) Tigers, and an Arkansas Razorback (I sometimes forget about them), he shows a clear SEC West bias. Terrible squad.

Team 2: Cam Underwood, Miami site: (31) RB Sony Michel, (163) WR Isaiah McKenzie. At 31, I agree with Underwood that Michel is a steal. Interestingly, all but 4 of his picks come from the ACC and SEC. Speed kills.

Team 3: Derrell Warren: (162) QB Jacob Park. Warren started a run of Dawgs with Park’s battery mate McKenzie up next. He also took Raekown McMillan, who was apparently almost a Dawg, and who ushers in the era of recruits being named after members of the Wu-Tang Clan. A welcome era, indeed.

Team 4: Jason Kirk, SBNation: No Dawgs, and he’s from right here in Atlanta! Two of his top 3 picks were more LSU guys, including all-everything back Leonard Fournette. He was also the second person to take a UVA guy with a second round pick, because Mike London will go broke going 0-8 in the ACC while paying the whole 757 for recruits.

Team 5: Luke Zimmermann, SBNation: No Dawgs again, because all of the SBNation national staff HATES us. First pick, QB Sean White of Auburn, who I guess we should watch out for. Or maybe we shouldn’t, since no successful Auburn QB starts his career at Auburn (putting you on notice, Jacob Park).

Team 6: Miles Joseph, OSU site: No Dawgs, but another SEC QB #1 with Kyle Allen of Texas A&M. Poor guy has to live up to ‘next Manziel’ hype. Pick 2, Bo Scarborough, Alabama RB. BAMA: WHERE GOOD RUNNING BACKS GO AND DON’T GET INJURED!

Team 7: Nam Le, Cal blog: Yeah, I know, he has even less credibility than me because he runs the Cal site. He took a Harvard recruit, but his name is Larry Allen, an offensive guard. NFL Hall of Famer in the 21st round is what you call a steal.

Team 8: Nick Polak, Penn State blog: An enlightened cat, who built around his front 7 AND took a pair of UGA commits! (82) CB Malkolm Parrish and (117) OG Isaiah Wynn. Judging from my noting of the Wu-Tang trend earlier, it appears UGA recruits are following in Cro’s footsteps as we have two Isaiahs. #ANALYSIS

Team 9: Paul Crewe, LSU blog: Not the Paul Crewe from The Longest Yard, I believe. (23) DE Lorenzo Carter, whom he bookends with #1 overall pick Myles Garrett of Texas A&M. He also took UNC’s two highest-rated commits in OT Bentley Spain and RB Elijah Hood, so Crewe is good in my book.

Team 10: Pete Volk, Maryland blog: (insert B1G joke here) (54) RB Nick Chubb and (145) OT Dyshon Sims. He must be heavy in upperclassman running backs, because one has to assume Chubb will not be playing in 2014 (NOTE: totally irrelevant to this draft!) Another Bama commit with another first-round pick. Ugh.

Team 11: Wescott Eberts, SBNation: Bucks the SBNation home staffer trend of shunning Dawgs with (65) DT Lamont Gaillard and (109) TE Jeb Blazevich. At this point, I’m starting to fall in love with the balance of Georgia’s class. A QB, two RB, a WR, a TE, 2 OL, 2 DL, and a CB.

On balance: What does this tell us? Nothing really, except the SEC dominated recruiting rankings again. Find the biggest fan bases, and pander to them. Florida State, Ohio State, and Notre Dame round out the top 10 teams in draftees.

20 of the top 33 picks were SEC commits. Someone please remind me of this when we do #100daysofSECdominance again this year.

For people who like their Georgia commits in one place, they came in as follows:

23. DE Lorenzo Carter

31. RB Sony Michel

54. RB Nick Chubb

65. DT Lamont Gaillard

82. CB Malkolm Parrish

109. TE Jeb Blazevich

117. OG Isaiah Wynn

145. OT Dyshon Sims

162. QB Jacob Park

163. WR Isaiah McKenzie

SEC Network: Ranking the New “Take It All In” Ads


The SEC Network released a new series of ads this morning in their “Take It All In” campaign. The twist in this new set of releases is that there is an ad tailored for each member school’s fan base. The intent here is to make DirecTV, Comcast, and Time Warner catch even more hell within SEC markets for not adding the SEC Network to their lineups.

Some of the ads are exceptional–highlighting the traditions and absurdities that make the SEC so special. Some make you wonder why anyone has ever submitted themselves to the torment of rooting for a school that is this lame. Below you’ll find my (Jason) rankings for each ad from worst to best:

 

14. Missouri – “M-I-Z…Z-O-U!”

If the only tradition you bring to this conference is misspelling your own damn name then please sit down.

 

13. South Carolina –  Sandstorm

Never is your little brother status more apparent, South Carolina, than when you try to make us all think that a 1999 one-hit wonder from Finnish trance producer DJ Darude is a cool “tradition.” Even Drake thinks you are trying too hard.

 

12. Texas A&M – Reveille

Apparently A&M also has a dog mascot. The problem is that this mascot is a terrible focus point because no matter who you talk to there is no chance that “Reveille” is ever going to be ranked higher than third-coolest mascot in the SEC. Note: that is only if we limit the category to dog mascots. If you open it up to all mascots that number drops even lower.

 

11. Florida – The Chomp

Alright look. I know I’m biased. I’m not ranking this spot this low because of how much I hate the chomp (and trust me I hate it). I’m ranking it this low because it only serves to highlight how little Florida contributes to the body of tradition that makes the SEC great. Also, because someone actually says in this ad that “The Chomp” is one of the most easily recognizable “chants” in all of sports. I’m sorry, but are you saying any words during the Chomp? Then how it is a chant?! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS. No one but Florida would actually argue that a chant is the same thing as a hand motion. Sorry, you have cooler traditions than this. Or maybe not…

 

10. Kentucky – Midnight Madness

How much money did that crazy graphic projection cost? I wonder if there is another sport at your school that could have benefited from more cash…

 

9. Vanderbilt – Memorial Gym

Highlighting cool places is a definite win in my book. And Memorial is by far the most unique athletic venue in the conference. Would be a lot cooler if Vanderbilt ever won anything outside of it though…

 

8. Arkansas – Woo Pig Sooie

This one I actually consider a chant. However, it is by far the most nonsensical chant in the SEC. However however, I give it a top ten rank because it is definitely the coolest thing that Arkansas does. Furthermore, they did not attempt to hide the surprisingly high likelihood that if you are doing “Woo Pig Sooie” you are also wearing overalls. Way to keep it real.

 

7. Mississippi State – Left Field Lounge

This is by far the coolest thing MSU does and I didn’t even know about it. That’s what a good TV spot should do for the SEC.

 

6. Tennessee – Rocky Top Lullaby

No, Vols fans, this spot does not merit a top 5 rank. Rocky Top is not the coolest thing you do (Running out of the “T” is. I know. I’ve seen it.). Also, has there ever been a more meta critique of a program than a mom singing Rocky Top to get a baby to stop crying? Life as a Tennessee fan is tough, kid. I think we just hired a basketball coach no one has ever heard of. Go back to sleep.

 

5. Ole Miss – The Grove

The cream of the crop begins with by far the best tailgating culture in the SEC, the Grove. If someone asked me to prove how cool the SEC was the Grove is definitely one of the first examples I’m citing. Well done.

 

4. Auburn – Toomer’s Corner

There is something oddly inspiring about dying trees still getting covered in toilet paper. Something very SEC in sharing something that is completely ridiculous but makes us come together at the same time.

 

3. LSU – Mike the Tiger

IT IS A REAL DAMN TIGER THAT WOULD REALLY EAT YOU IF HE GOT OUT HOW IS THIS NOT NUMBER ONE?!! Also, the use of “Loungin’” by Guru makes this ad something to behold.

 

2. Alabama – Bear Bryant Speech

I imagined that Bama’s spot would’ve been a cringe-worthy 30 second soliloquy on how cool houndstooth hats are. This was by far the most pleasant surprise of all the spots. Only reason it’s not number one is because of the “Bama fans” it shows. C’mon guys. No one that attends Bama games looks that normal. And I love Bama for that.

 

1. Georgia – My God, a Freshman

I’m sorry but I’m not sorry. Bill Bates describing what Herschel Walker’s legs felt like before they steamrolled him into oblivion is only the icing on the cake. What makes this spot the best is that it highlights the greatest play-by-play man in the history of college sports giving what has to be one of the greatest radio calls in all of college sports. Couple that with the seminal moment in the career of the most legendary running back in SEC history? Game, set, and match.

 

I’d like to think an objective observer would agree with me but feel free to disagree below.

 

Happy Football Doldrums.

 

xoxo

 

Jason

 

 

 

BREAKING NEWS!


Mike Woodson has been fired as the coach of the New York Knicks.

While expected, it doesn’t make it any less newsworthy or entertaining.

Good night sweet prince.

Follow @jose3030 for some great Mike Woodson reaction pics. And a quick look at the past season in Knicks incredible fall from a playoff team to a lottery team basketball.

Love this? Hate it? Think I’m an idiot? Don’t just curse at me under your breath, head to the Dude You Podcast iTunes page, and leave a 5-star review to make sure I know it, and have your voice heard on the air. Follow me at https://twitter.com/dpalm66

Addendum to the NBA Video Post


A GIF. Just a fun GIF.

Recapping The NBA Through Video


In honor of our NBA preview podcast (find it here!), here are some YouTubes to continue to stoke excitement/waste time on a Friday afternoon. Thanks to the NBA, whose embrace of advanced metrics, emergent analytical technology, social media and streaming video continue to be of great assistance to lazy bloggers for posts like this.

Major League Baseball, we’re looking at you. Clean it up.

Blake Griffin emerging as much more than a dunker.

Kevin Durant is your official DYC MVP pick.

And, in honor of this classic clip, the top 10 crossovers from 2013-2014.

Broken. Ankles.

Love this? Hate it? Think I’m an idiot? Don’t just curse at me under your breath, head to the Dude You Podcast iTunes page, and leave a 5-star review to make sure I know it, and have your voice heard on the air. Follow me at https://twitter.com/dpalm66

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